September 1, 2009
For Mom:
When considering condemnation of another so consider twisted plots.
What if the roles had been reversed?
Ah! But alas they were! And though my feet journeyed her treacherous path in my darkest depth I have never been her.
Hmm. Perhaps recollection is made kinder by your timid portrayal of self?
Weren’t it not so long as a lifetime less that you were such a mess? Indulgent, deceitful, conniving? Sanctified in your own self righteousness?
Yes.
Then what gives one the right of self betrayal to condemn another for their self portrayal?
Careful. Proceed with caution lest you alienate those two young souls you wish to set free.
Do not place thyself on judgment’s pulpit. Ye are but a passenger in her life’s ride she alone must live it.
September 2, 2009
Breath of Night
Silhouetted against a midnight canopy drifts a cat sideways with rainbow eyes brilliantly reflecting a distant sun’s ray.
Playful grasshoppers flirt musically in the lush green oasis.
Gently the breeze blows the leaves of the of the proud palm. Descending gracefully in memory of yesterdays gone while ever reaching upward with new hope.
Hush. Shhh. Barely. There you hear that? Just above a whisper a baby bird speaks. As if not to disturb this quiet night’s peace.
September 3, 2009
Today I spoke to the lover of an old friend. Taking the words from his mind that bad been on his heart burned in his soul. Yet apprehensively explained, “God spoke to me at church on Sunday standing in the pews taking in the choir just as the solo began and he demanded that I tell you He’s tired of waiting, you belong to Him and the time is now.”
Pause. Awaits my not so surprised reaction. None comes so continues typical of those explaining (with discrimination in case the hearer be offend laughing at such ludicrously). Just such an experience.
“I know” responded I aware of the stillness of my racing heart. “He tells me the same thing.”
Has been telling me so long quit running fighting depriving myself all that is meant to be. All will be okay forever as all is okay today.
I’ve heard His blessings whispered to me on the lips of my son. Felt His love embracing me in the hug of every child.
Once a courting jester spoke to me calling me Alpha Omni. Explained, “children smile at you knowingly because they know of your destiny.”
Appreciate thyself child. Ye are blessed 10,000 times preserved for a cause! Allow peace to remain in you and in peace will be the world’s.
I am but a messenger tossed, dropped from Heaven flailing like a fish at sea . . .
I do not have to be! How many times have I been told in how many ways have known?
Live with passion, abundant in prosperity free of things that no longer plague thee. Allow the rhapsody to wash you clean! You are child what a child dreamed.
Have purpose. Stand tall against the winds of change for sanctity of self thoust must begin to rearrange.
Be prepared to receive thy blessings bestowed unto thee!
I waited so long Lord crippled by bended knee. Survivor inside of victim screaming to be free.
Wait no more! Today is yours. Dream your life to be. Rise above claimed confusion. Enjoy these days with thee.
Listen to the night’s song remember who you are meditate with your brother wind search midnight skies for wishing stars. Know when you come to me I was here all along Heaven waits patiently while you dance your soul’s song.
Ask an you shall receive, seek and you will find. Follow the tuggling of your heart long ago ignored.
©©©©©©
A child approaches the altar weeping women holding hands. Just seconds ago risen she was by a silent demand. She’d known the moment to be vital in her mind burned the scene lest she discredit herself that was just a dream”.
Heads in pews turned as a standing flower began to move. Baby steps forward she knew she had to choose.
God had told her rise go forth and come home to me. She knew in that moment that LOVE would set her free.
The wood was comfortably hard as she knelt to bended knee moving slowly taking in the LOVE allowing her soul to see.
Tears began slowly just a trickle down her face in her third eye she ascended home form that place. Her heart overflowed with warmth then broke with sadness’ pain. For in an instance in the moment God held her soul again.
He whispered to her waiting ear a thought processed long to be. The child somehow knew she’d forget until she was willing to full fill her destiny.
Oh! But I’m grandiose! God doesn’t need me! Why am I so special, what’s He see in me?
Ah! And there began your fleeing each time all these years! Do not silence your soul’s will You have not cause to fear.
You ARE meant to spread the light of hope gifted as you were! Don’t forget all along it was YOU who was so sure!
Appreciate thyself! Live, laugh, love! Smile for no reason. Cry just because.
Allow your heart to feel emotion quit running as you did. Believe in miracles. For you have so many left to live.
You knew child.
All along I knew.
You had to live the life you did. It was yours to choose.
An angel’s soul with wondering eyes takes the first breath of life . . .
God begins the ground work all she must do is write.
Wisdom is the greatest gift I have to be thankful for.
I open my arms to heaven ready as I’ve never been before.
God spoke to an old friend’s lover and said he’s tired of waiting on me.
I smile to the Heavens, “thanks for waiting on me, I‘m ready to fulfill my destiny.”
September 4, 2009
Humility is a prerequisite to greatness. (some ancient Indian Buddhist monk)
September 5, 2009
Sweet serenade of a lover’s heart sings softly of intimacy expanding the glow of hope as radiates from one in love.
She had been used, abused, forgotten and neglected isolated herself pushing her passion and desire deep away into the long ago locked recesses of a lonely woman’s mind.
A distant angel of memory speaks of being calm on stormy nights of holding one another close inside the eye of the story where only in love will they remain safe.
So many years come and gone through tears and so much pain. Shattered her heart remains cautious she can not bear to be broken again.
But to feel loved! To know of another so committed and willing to embrace her in her despair? Would she be willing to let go one last time in hopes of finding one to really care?
Was the risk worth the fall into love’s darkest depths where on is only saved by the kiss from the lips of one true love to whom she has not been enslaved?
She prays to heaven for hope anew gives thanks in her heart when thanks are due. She takes up her pen as she lies down her head lonely tonight as she’s so long been.
Of what wonders does her heart dream! But cautious, she remembers seldom is love as true love would seem.
September 6, 2009
Be calm! You mustn’t make moves until your heart is prepared for THAT venture I tell her as she sits on the hood of her car by the full moon’s light.
Patience, a virtue of saints. A skill aquired only as one waits with faith knowing beyond all uncertainty they alone are responsible for the fulfillment of fate. Do not thrust yourself into emotions not underestimated! For it is come today the day the universe calls to she having patiently waited.
My soul sang sadness’ song, my heart has wandered in love living alone. My eyes have beheld the falling down of what happens to Rikka when love’s around.
Proceed with caution young one so wise. You must stay true to the course under loneliness’ guise. For don’t seek to replace a loss perceived that never was! Continue steadfastly forward just because . . .
September 7, 2009
Catch a smooth flow breath chill relax. An awesome day was had. Smile forced but kept silently fighting droopy lips. Tried again to help a friend, lost gone astray. Tracker her down spoke to her then had to drive away. Healthy boundaries I employ will keep bullshit away! I am living better days and better days will stay.
I must confess thought I became emotional, angry when her deception not of self but to those who cared became evident. Isolated in her lies I could tell her soul wept.
“But I’m not a bad person” defensively she whined. “Bullshit you’re not! You continue STILL with your lies!”
Depression is a selfish disease taking from all involved. For those who care hurt in worry remembering before it was there. And the depressor chooses time and time again to retreat from reality to a self inflicted manic hell. Leaving hope behind and in confusion dwells.
Aye! But alas I have overcome those days! And while I can bare my heart to others it’s up to them to change. I can see so clearly how I overcame self. Taking control over the sadness making choices for my mental health.
It was empowering to drive away knowing I’d done all I can. At least at the end of her line she’ll know the choices she had. Then off to splish splash land with my sunbeam and a friend. Thankful for good times, productivity, and that’s where my day ends.
©©©©©
I have nothing left to fear in love. I have come to know my heart. And so it is with cautious effort I allow peace to start.
Thinking of you
It’s been so long since I felt loves’ embrace my love. Had tender words spoken to me, praising me, thanking me.
Side by side to distance pain allow the universe to rearrange hopeful in the irony that we too have landed here.
Each mountain I trek to prove myself to another. I will allow my heart to be broken NO MORE!
I am patient. I am kind. I am talented. I am blessed. I am loyal. I am loving. I am one hell of a mother. I am passionately creative. I am both eccentric and wise. O a, free today of yesterday’s me because I embrace my many sides.
I am successful and abundant. Blessed 10,000 times! For in my will to survive I have had 10,000 lives.
September 8, 2009
Realities magnetite sought to crash down on me. Instead of ripping hope to shreds I proved a worthy advesary.
It spoke to me harshly of all I never was then I chose to walk away for things aren’t so just because. Why should one subject themselves to realities apprehensions? When they know in their heart of hearts their road was paved with good intentions?
It’s too late to take back all the hateful things it’s said. Now it’s time to move beyond it’s clouded head. There is no time to heal the soul of love gone afoul. There aren’t enough tears to cry forever even if one’s started right now.
Tomorrow’s tale tells of joy beyond their wildest dreams, but today’s today and tomorrow may not be as it would seem.
©©©©©
I thought I could withstand my hurt, to keep it pushed away not allowing despair to break me down, I sought to run away.
Be BRAVE! You are so strong as I have made you crippled by your mind. You won’t realease your sould from sorrow, only then will peace you find. Rise above the fogginess closing in around your head. Reach your heart to the heavens hear what your Father’s said.
Child sweet child! Thoust has not forsaken thee! You are my shining star when will you choose to be free? Accept responsibility? Allow the rasphody to wash clean your soul sweeping you away to tomorrow’s brighter days where hope is meant to stay?
You’re screaming and kicking and fighting to be alone not recognizing your soul’s not ready to go. Where’s that twinkle in your smile that I have come to love? Don’t you know all this time I’ve been watching from above? You thought you were alone in your struggles. Too lonely to bother to care. But I made sure you’d have plenty of those who knew how to care.
I gave you a younger sister to hug you when you’re sad. I blessed you with two children who think you’re nicest when you’re glad. I gave you a mother and father to lift you up when you’re down’. I even made sure you’d have friends for when your family’s not around.
But you have become weak child! I did NOT make you this way! You alone must fight the sadness to live the light someday. You’re a gifted song writer! Convincing artist on the loose. You have many hidden talents ready for you to choose!
But you have allowed yourself to become that which you dread! Now just a shell of a woman barely living ‘til she’s dead.
I made all the angels sit with me while we prayed you’ll be all right. Then I commanded Rikka to pick up her pen and told her what to write. Can you believe she argued with me? With ME! Is she insane? I told her of your struggle and she called it out by name.
Depression, anxiety do not let them call on me! They are welcomed here no more! For I chose not too long ago life was more than they could know.
I am meant for joy as so are you. We my friend are meant to shine the way dieing stars do. I believe to live our life turning a blind eye to live our life deaf to hope we’d be surely living a lie. And with each stroke of my pen as it glides across this page comes fro the heart words to ffree you from your cage.
Have hope Heather! Do not dismay for though right now you’re heart’s confused bright tomorrows await! Don’t lie your head down in shame no one will pity you. For you are brilliant with so much left to do. Face yourself in your rage as a young little girl. Was she not ready to conquer the world?
September 9, 2009
Oh of what wonders does my heart sing! Ask and I shall receive? Blessed 10,000 times inside myself I chose to stay forgot my faith amongst words I no longer say.
Today is because I am.
Charming, witty, fun. Spirited, gifted, adored, talented, beautiful and strong. Brave, I will back down no more. My palms raised to the heavean’s I sing my song of praise. The universe answered today I live these days.
September 12, 2009
These days shine on in spite of the melancholy her weary heart feels. She has left hope alone in hopes her hurt heals. I tell her not to run away, to have faith write and pray. She silences her voice beneath her scream. I have deep concern she won’t allow her soul to dream. So long has she had this vision of what and who she was. I tell her not to slip away have faith just because. All along in her heart deep within her soul, she’s known for so many years she’d have to let it go.
A wise woman once told her, “people like you and me should be alone.” She spoke to her heart of endless creativity. “We flourish in the silence of our home, otherwise afraid to speak out.” She explained that when alone, our playful soul has a chance to come out.
There have been so many tears, so many trials and tribulations! Why continue down this path having lost your personal convictions? When did you become embittered? So desperate in your sadness? When did you lose your hope and choose to embrace this sadness? I tell her I remember when she used to sing out loud in public places, of how it was NOT so long ago she sought to bring a smile to so many faces.
There was hope behind pale blue eyes as she cried to me, “I had become embittered when my prince chose not me.” I tell her, her woes are not of the unusual kind. That in her kindness she gave herself and then let go of her mind. She decided then that day that she had to let go. She realized in her heart she had no where left to go. She’d experienced so much pain, cried so many tears. I asked, “Why did you choose to hide from destiny all these years?” I begged of her this time stay true let life run it’s course. Explaining that only in her peace, would heaven find it’s source.
“You ARE but a messenger! Don’t sweat the small stuff! All you must do is write stop pretending to be so tough! You alone can change your heart and bring back joy for good. Expect the things you want in life, you are good so you should.”
She bowed her head as though in prayer and whispered below her breath. “Lord thank you for these days come, I will embrace hopelessness’ death. All these years of sadness, I push them away. For in my soul I always have know peace would come to stay. And Lord please grace me with thy absolution for who I had once been. I choose to today to walk away from the loneliness within. I will fill my heart with thy grace, accept thy serenity. For I know in my heart of hearts it’s you who’ll set me free.” And then she wept the burden of so many tears un-cried. And there that night on her bedroom floor, her embittered soul died.
She woke the next day reborn, joyous in her hope. She knew from that day forward through God’s faith in her she could cope. She found strength in her adversity. She chose to strive for more. She had known all along, and today she was finally sure.
One love,
Self
Freedom Zen
September 19, 2009
So here it ends where once upon a lover’s dream it began and their soul’s drift away. In yesteryear’s memory she hears her heart crying for want of her lover to stay, but knows in her third eye this is the only way. The trials and tribulations brought on by outside forces have forced our two lovers apart. And though they may not know of that ancient sunset’s glow two young lover’s had sealed eternity’s pact they will certainly grow from their experience as they move forward not looking back. In tomorrow’s wisdom reverie she is confident this will make sense. Though tonight in her sadness she feels overwhelmed in loneliness she knows tomorrow brings peace.
For so long she’s held on to him pulling and pushing away from her. For so long she’s run to him when the doubts began to stir. Life will come and days will go and she knows in her soul he’ll be missed. For it wasn’t all that long ago when her love began with a kiss. Lying on a comfy bed with an ache in her soul he’d leaned into her and asked if she’d roll. She turned to face his deep blue eyes and felt passion start to burn. He was then as unattainable as now but it took 12 years to learn. “Kiss me,” he’d said speaking to her desire.
“No I can not, I don’t want to start that fire.” He’d had a girlfriend who’d left him for the weekend to see an old crush. So he’d taken the opportunity to call our lover in a rush. They’d danced together in the beats of the night, they’d sat in his car by the sun’s warm light, they’d gone to a party off in their own world. They’d entertained themselves for hours at an art museum just a boy and girl. When the day was ending, she’d wanted it to not end. As they sat on the museum’s steps she’d thought of how thankful she was for her newfound friend. And now as he asked her to kiss him she felt a pulling at her heart. Knowing if she succumbed one day there would be hurt. “Don’t you have kissing friends?” he’d asked her as he pulled her to him. “No, I can’t say I do. Not anyone I’ve kissed has been just a friend.” She smelled his breath and got lost in his eyes and then she gave in. And so it is from that tender moment where it began that here today it shall end.
Twelve years of loving him, of fighting to stay in his desire. Not once would she accept his words when he said he didn’t want her. Twelve years of believing one day he’d love her too. Not once would she accept his words when he said that he’d never do. Twelve years of holding on despite his contempt of her. Not once would she accept his words when he’d said she wasn’t the one it’d never be her.
So many dreams they’d shared together, so many nights they’d laughed awake. So many times she’d been made to cry by the love his heart couldn’t make. So many years she’d prayed for him just knowing he was the one. Today I can assure you her heart breaks from dreams undone.
“It wasn’t supposed to go this way!” She pleas to the universe. “I’ve hoped and prayed and dreamed for him expressing my heart through verse.” She’d written thousands of pages certainly millions of words as over the years she’d become a woman leaving behind a wounded girl. But alas today she knew as never before she had that no matter what she did he’d not accept her for her and if she stayed she’d never be glad. So with hopeful eyes for tomorrow’s dreams not yet prayed, she packs her bags prepares to leave and walks away.
She knows she must be strong, must not succumb to doubt. For if there was any chance by now it would’ve worked out. He’d told her once a year ago he’d make her hate him. She’d not thought it possible, for he was so much more than a friend. And though in her honor, he’d not succeeded in his quest, she had finally accepted to love him from distance was best. Where once before two friends had stood hand and hand against the world now stood in their passing a wounded boy and girl.
He’d gotten what he’d wanted from her, she was hooked for life. Though many moons ago she’d given up the desire to be his wife. And it is not without question that today she makes her stand, for one can’t help but love someone and wonder at it’s end if things had gone differently would there have been a different end?
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
August 2009 Collective Conversations with Self
August 2, 2009
Been fun the last 3 days. Friday was Aquatica, Saturday the beach, Sunday the Y and swimming then chill relax chores are done.
Connected. Fused together in perfect synchronicity. I am free among these pages of verse.
I bare all before self that the words set forth be uncontaminated with a self righteous heart.
That my words may set another soul free from the burdens of their past!
Forgive Thyself
Forgive thyself child. Born anew into a life you’ve chosen to live from birth.
Ye exist for the humane existence!
Learn what it means to L-O-V-E.
LOVE thyself above all others.
For unto thyself be true! Yield at selfishness though.
For love is compassion not frustration and anger. Love is communication, equal and unrighteous. Love is disagreeing without judgment and understanding another’s humane point of view.
You live amongst one another in a cloud of recklessness bittered by woes too complex for even a true sentient being to grasp.
But they are self made.
Mother Earth screams out to the universe of her love for you as you rape and murder her. You think you’re insignificant enough to be the only ones? Or special enough to be the only intelligent ones?
You are neither.
You just are.
Forgive thyself for your recklessness.
For your greed and self righteousness.
But know dear human, ye exist for the humane existence.
You are not wicked with numbered days counting hopelessly to the end of your soul’s epic journey through this existence only then to be judged!
You are a soul. An energy that knows of other dimensions and times and galaxies.
A being born pure of heart unto a world which hosts and existence you chose to embrace for a lifetime. Only for one lifetime.
Come together. Come together as one in prayer and hope. Faith that together we can fix it as our precious gift to the universe.
I know we are capable. Each of us here at this moment have a gift to offer someone else.
Peace, light, love be with you on your journey through life.
One love,
Self
August 4, 2009
Life’s a comin’! full keel ahead won’t stop ‘til you’re dead it’s a comin‘. It’s a comin’ life’s a comin’
Spend a moment in your head hear what your heart’s said cause life’s comin’. It’s comin’. Life’s comin’.
I try to slow down the race forward into the abyss by my head and my heart won’t come back from this melancholy I’ve locked my soul into.
Whichever where I wander same eyes are always there staring back at the woman I portray to the outside world ever afraid to be the me my inner child dreams of I become.
My mind races in so called confusion. Afraid to act on what I know. Copasetic in my today of self inflicted woes.
Woe! Hold on there Nelly! Slow the trail ride down! You’re runnin’ and a buckin’ and there ain’t no fear around!
I am at your reigns! I am master of this plot. Listen while tell a tale of all the woes you’ve not.
I choose not to be dramatic, self absorbing of others pains. I choose to not be a victim of a twisted man’s rage. I choose to take action and act on what I know. It’s that feeling of fear that says I shouldn’t go.
But I go.
‘Cuz
Life’s comin’. Full keel ahead won’t stop until I’m dead. It’s a comin’. It’sa comin’. Life’s comin’.
(written for Wendy F. may you find the peace in the strength of your trials until you can find strength in your survival.)
August 12, 2009
Come again I am to this day.
Rejoice and be proud!
Sings a song high on praise.
Rejoice and sing aloud.
That all might know of better days
Amidst their dark nights still to come
That one more heart might know love
Amidst it’s dreams undone.
One love,
Self
August 15, 2009
I saw my doc today. My head shrink. He gave me an ADD test and I “passed” with flying colors. The only symptom I didn’t have is a need stimulate adrenaline. No, no skydiving for me!
So what if the misfiring in my head began as a coping mechanism as a child? Manifested from enduring long lectures about everything that was never wrong with me?
Had I not suffered at the hands of would be saints, I’d know not of the ways of my heart, soul, and mind.
August 17, 2009
What of the ways of my heart, soul and mind?
These truths I hold to be self evident.
1) I am kind.
2) I am wise.
3) I am enlightened.
4) I am strong.
5) I am brave.
6) I am unique.
7) I am loved.
8) I am compassionate.
9) I am patient.
10) I am understanding.
Affirmative. And as you act overcoming the fear conquered more self truths will become clear.
I know I’ve said it before but this time I do have it. I do. I don’t know where I went for so long……………. One thing after another has led me back to this moment. Again and again I have come to stand here looking out from Mount Hope calling for a rally of like minds to embrace a new tomorrow. All the while I ……………….. to speak it is to call it to be still today.
Let go. Breathe. Inhale, exhale. Allow peace to wash you clean.
August 18, 2009
OMFG! I M 1 OF THOSE PPL WHO R ALWAYZ N CHAOS!!!
Wow! And I try to stay away from people who are always in chaos!
We who point the finger………….
©©©©©©
What gives you the right to diminish someone’s hope of a brighter tomorrow? Instinctively placing you and your societies and beliefs into the life of another questioning all they have ever been?
Who do you think you are? To abandon hope and forsake the teachings of one so pure and simplify the message to aide in begotten greeds? (intentionally misspelled! Greeds)
©©©©©©
When did you come to be? Where’s the woman I was falling in love with striving to be all she had ever dreamed of being?
Cancel. Cancel. Breathe.
Start fresh without battering yourself badgering yourself diminishing your credibility unto self. If you act as your own worst enemy how can you excel forward? To what goal do you stride so hesitantly? What reality are you calling to be?
Think of the rice story. About the Japs concentrated and focused on one batch of rice and thought good thoughts and on the other they focused negative energy and of how different they were at the end of the experiment. The rice had manifested the energy of the thoughts being projected towards it.
Think of the water molecules. Of how the Japs (maybe the same group of scientists?) meditated with water molecules and did the same thing. The batch with positive energy was comprised of beautiful intricate and complicated shapes formed by the water. The batch with the negative energy became misshapen, broken, and unappealing to look at.
I choose not to live like that anymore. It is by choice I choose to live and I choose by choice to live by free will. I am bigger than their inequities. Fuck the would be saints. I am blessed to have encountered their grief. For it is in reflection I have come to embrace the better parts of me.
August 19, 2009
T.D. Jakes Redirect Yourself revisited. A true attempt was made at the wrong time in my previous life to completely absorb his wisdom to my strife. Now the time is right.
For I am as committed to this change as I am to my good name. I can not, will not continue down the path where obstacles look the same.
August 20, 2009
Life has an interesting way of making it’s point. Today was a fantastic day full of hope for rekindling friendships, bonding with old alliances and making solid contacts. My time was not wasted. Everything turning out to be ok. I’m glad I ventured outside of my nightmare of the last year locked away in small town USA.
Better and better everyday. Not only are my thoughts more focused but my attitude has significantly improved. I must mention a happening of yesterday. I called Unity to tithe for the first time in my life 20% of what I had in my pocket. In spite of my positive attitude amongst these pages there has been financial duress in my life for over a year.
I confess, it was difficult to let go of any amount of money! Every little bit could mean the difference between getting around, having food, or keeping the lights on. But how long did I live like that, and still never having enough? I always expected to have what I need to get by, well, I’m over just getting by at the last minute. Time to try something new.
So, within about a ½ hour of making the call that I was going to come by before 4pm (therefore committing myself to do it so I wouldn’t spend it) I received a call from a guy who owns a large construction company in a nearby city. He asked me about a list I am composing of local contractors and construction workers who are struggling to stay afloat with the economy. I had contacted him over two weeks prior and figured I wouldn’t hear from him. I had been trying to do business with him for about 2 years.
He wanted to know what my motivation was for compiling the list. I explained that I have been seeing small business owners drop benefits and lay off employees who then can’t afford benefits on their own because there just hasn’t been enough work. I told him my motivation was that if I could put my contacts in touch with one another and they could bid on jobs together, boost one another’s morale, and offer words of wisdom to help each other then perhaps I could help save their business. I told him that for the little bit of time it would take for me to compile the list it was worth it because perhaps a few years down the road when their business was back on track they’d remember how I helped them and think of me for their insurance needs.
He remembered who I was and was excited to speak to me again. He explained that he and his wife and four other close family friends had decided to open a performing arts center in the area and he also opened a lighting company. He invited me out in two weeks to have lunch and tour his new businesses.
I was so excited that I called a friend who I haven’t seen in a while in his area and told her that I’d be coming into the city to have lunch with him. To my amazement she knows him personally (for 15 years) and invited me to a chamber function for their chamber tomorrow evening. Then she asked me to do a health quote for her and a quote on two cars!
So I get off the phone with her, call him and leave a message about being in the area tomorrow and could we please meet then instead of in two weeks. He called me back today to say that was fine and we ended up chatting for an hour about ethics, religion, helping one another, the economy, and his children’s talents. I am confident that we are like minded in our goals to help people and through that commonality I will attain the opportunity (and blessing) to assist him with his benefits package as a whole.
I am still stunned that this happening came within a ½ hour of me calling Unity to tithe for the first time in my life! I raced to Unity, getting there as Miss A was locking the door (3:57) to give her my tithe. I told her that if my day had been any indication of the Universe assisting me in achieving my new found desire to be wealthy and prosperous then she could look forward to my tithe becoming larger and larger as my prosperity grew.
It’s refreshing to see hope reborn in an instant, manifest from something I’ve never accepted as necessary that I finally decided to agree to.
If what we’re doing isn’t working, why keep doing it? I’ve been told and read books about the importance of tithing and scoffed at it. When I don’t have enough money to eat I certainly DO NOT want to GIVE IT AWAY! But, alas, to continue down the road of selfishness would be to not accept with graciousness the humbling my soul has experienced this past year. How can we move forward if we can’t let go of yesterday’s thought patterns?
August 20, 2009
Today was disappointing. My daughter will need to start going to a different day care, as a direct result of my lack of income for the last year. I struggled to keep her there because she had friends and it was a good quality school. There are other alternatives, and they certainly are affordable, but they are settling.
I know I’m supposed to stay positive and be focused on where I’m headed but it’s not always as easy as that. For so long finances have been an issue and I’ve got the skills to fix that. It’s just that my head wasn’t in the game until the last minute and just now my situation is beginning to improve. A day late and a dollar short.
But at the end of every beginning is a new beginning and I believe this is a blessing in disguise. I have to, to get me through it. I’m a good person and deserve the success I dream of for myself and my family. I know it’s to be had. But how? Am I not trying everything I can to make things happen in my career? Well, I hadn’t been. And if I had perhaps they’d have gone differently. But there’s no point in looking back with regret as long as I’m ready to keep moving forward in better days and faith that all is truly all right.
Lonely
Lonely she sits isolated in her misery. One day she's on fire with passion then hateful words cut off her desire and leave her burning with loneliness. She prays for sanctification of her soul and the heavens do not offer an answer readily. She prayed for this. She left behind a life of unknowns for what she dreamed was a manifestation of her heart's truest desire. Today she has accepted the inevitability of the impending loss. She knows without a doubt that the fight isn't worth the tears she's cried year after year suffering in a loss too great for her soul to consider. True love never dies her father once told her as she cried to him on the phone long ago of a love lost and gone. How many loves have come and gone since that wisdom came into her knowing? How many forgotten prayers had she wept for in her years? Wondering in her pain if the senselessness of the loss would subside to brighter days? Knowing tomorrow would bring hope renewed but too tired to bother she allows herself to stay locked in melancholy until a resolution presents itself.
“I’m outta here first chance I get!” she consoles herself with words of confidence lacking the ability to make immediate changes believing one day soon she would have the power to re-empower herself. Recharge her life. She longs to look in the mirror and see a happy soul gazing back at her, proud of all she had accomplished on her own, without anyone else feeling they should be accredited for her successes. She deserves that she says to herself day after day to prevent her hope from wasting away while the anger rages on in a heart beaten clean of hope and having never quite grasped the concept of faith.
Lonely she sits absorbed in her visions of what wonders tomorrow holds in spite of the depths of her despair had this day. She knows of splendors to be had for the faithful who follow their heart’s desires and of the joys for memories made though love may fade. She is entranced in her words and uses her pen as a release from the burdens her heart isn’t ready to release knowing the time comes fast for that one day when she will be all alone and finally be safe.
One love,
Self
August 22, 2009
Why do I always seem to go about things the long way?
Because you are the perfect storm.
©©©©©©
August 22, 2009
Of what wonders my heart does dream, but all alone? Alone it seems. Though yield at your perception. At the inception of this love quest had there was a goal, a dream I had. To take a vow of celibacy I knew then I would then find me. I made an attempt and caved to his will knowing then I’d need it still. That’s not to say all alone as some would say then “don’t come home“. It is here in this home we’ve made that I wish I could learn to be calm and safe. But it’s not possible here.
Over the years the ache’s been great and I’ve cried the tears of the great Salt Lakes. Just when I had it, it swept away and left me dieing 10,000 days. I have given up and seek back to me. I wish to once again find the me that’s free. Free of woes not my own, free of anger in my home, free of perceptions that hinder me, free of a sadness that none can see. I seek to find peace and land back at me. A vision of hope I call to thee.
Lord lift me up that I know peace. May I know serenity, may I know peace. Let me find a place my thoughts can rest ‘cuz I’m losing my ground in this loneliness. Side by side I’ve called to him again and again I’ve called to him. He does not come and if does not stays. For each time we’re close we pull away. His struggles are not mine nor mine his so who says we have to go on like this?
Best friends we vowed and committed we are. But our happiness bears a jagged scar. For through our struggles we’ve distanced ourselves from the one who made all okay when it came undone. For rare occasion we speak the same but those days are fewer and farther between.
It is my prayer, my falling star wish dear Lord that I remove myself from true love’s sword. That’s not to say my feelings will die but as my confidence grows the ache will subside. I must learn to find myself amidst a lifetime full of loneliness.
Loneliness
©©©©©©
I deserve better from myself than to be wallowing in misery suffering in a loss that should never have been in the first place. My pig headedness has landed me here feeling bemused and bewildered with yesterday. But Amen! I feel grateful and gracious and forgiving of my trespasses for while I may be my own worst enemy in the end it comes back to me and at my heart’s core I am she.
Sweet and innocence a flower she prayed for peace at her darkest hour. The good Lord came to kneel next to her, she heard the wings of angles flurry. “Child I am with thee beside this bed. I lift ye up reside in thy head. So that when thoust comest to me I am already residing in thee. Please accept this peace as my hug and in your sadness, meditation your drug. For you must know how to come to me for in thy darkest hour I can not save thee.”
August 24, 2009
Anger and frustration come quick to some bittered, bare of hope. I try to rationalize with them but are my words in vain? Who am I to change their path bring them back to peace of mind?
A messenger? A poet? A philosopher? Is this gift I’ve run so quick from some part of a bigger plan?
I am more than I am. So proud to be who I am. Ready. I’m ready finally.
Hmm. Scoffs at me. Hesitant to believe in me.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO WE?
Because so many people see what you will not see. I see! No. Consistency is the key.
Follow through on something child. Allow yourself daily room to breathe. Appreciate yourself.
Appreciate yourself as the temple of the essence of all that is pure in LOVE divine.
Manifest your heart’s truest desire step into the fire holding your shoulders high and proud.
Speak loud. Not just in voice either. Utilize your verse to reach the massed muddled in their confusing contradicting what it means to be human.
What it means to be human?
To breathe breath of sunshine and salt. To walk so close to death itself. To feel sandy toes while licking rain. To know the touch of love true. To question the fundamentals of who you are as a society. One world amongst many spinning in a cocoon tucked deep into safe space.
Protected. Left alone as a destination on your soul’s journey home. On every soul’s eternity quest to be LOVE divine.
LOVE divine?
To thine ownself be true. Follow your hearts desire through your heart. Speak daily of the gratitude you exhume and be thankful for who you are. One among many born of a fallen star.
Religion is for those not yet prepared to believe in themselves.
Rethink your life. Achieve happiness abundant in wealth and prosperity. Blessed as you are in LOVE divine.
August 25, 2009
A moment to spare in serenity. Say silent prayers for those who’ve angered me. Meditate on the demoness who resides in me. Find voice in verse set my soul free. Her hand gently grazed bare metal. Warm and wet from summer’s rain. The air was freshly moist, damp to the skin. Gently a breeze blew across the water caressing her sensuality as she exited to another beginning. Confident, capable, committed.
She moved tall, graceful proud. Shoulders intentionally held high, chin up.
Others need to not know of her momentary mental meltdowns. Temporary lapses of sanity where her mind wants to be a wall flower, safe from disappointed sheltered from rejection.
To never venture is to never gain. It’ll stay the same day after day if I keep choosing that way. So what do I do when confronted with opposition? Passive / aggressive blows me away! Then learn to be assertive and let it stay.
Speak strongly. Vocalize your intentions so you do not feel abandoned when others mistakenly take your kindness for weakness you are stronger than this.
You are as strong as this.
Don’t back down from the loneliness. Isolating yourself in failure perceived grieving for yesterdays answered prayer. Allow your mind to move away from there.
Settle into quiet reflection counting your blessings one by one. It has all along been choices you have made.
Be free now you are not yesterday’s slave.
You are not a wall flower but a standing flower.
Unique in your gifts beauty and kindness. Appreciative of your countless joys.
I am abundant in prosperity. A faithful heart holds fear at bay. I am come again and here to stay.
One love,
Self
Met with Miss A today of Unity. She told me to think about me. Not to push away the demoness resides in me. But pray for her that we be free. Embracing all of me. That we become I become I am me.
August 28, 2009
Happy. A two edged serrated sword. A world ready to flee a glimpses first smile. Happy in denile. Been awhile since I sat and stared at me. Angry too long longing to be free.
Perhaps pride’s price is impossible to grasp! “I quit! AM TIRED! AM SICK!” I gasp.
Overwhelmed in someone else’s ideals of who I am not? Discouraging me with lack of faith unknowing of the many battles I’ve fought?
I am resilient. Able to withstand tyranny and see past another’s doubts in me. I know that because I’m human I struggle with a big heart. Desiring other’s approval of myself.
Ha! And where has THAT gotten you? Huh?
Beaten down dragged down slung through the muddy waters of tears only I know I cry.
Why bother?
Because in spite of another’s perception at the core of we I have always been I.
August 30, 2009
Stuffy! Ack! Sick I am. Yet still I keep going . . . Like the frigging energize bunny. Uh huh. I cleaned today and cleaned and cleaned. Still there’s several days worth of cleaning left. Gotta finish dusting, hadn’t made even the smallest dent in the laundry, must clean out the foyer, and mow the jungle outback. Geeze! This year has been so rainy that grass is up to my knees within 2 weeks.
Oh I wish I could breathe through my nose. I suppose between the stirred up dust and freshly cut grass I’ll be suffering for the next couple of days. OH NO! Maybe it’s swine flu! LOL J
Things in general have been good. Looking in the right direction with hope and appreciation for my struggle along the way. Always I have know that things one day would be okay, thank God I realized that things are okay today. I have committed myself to tithing. Difficult as it is to part with just 10% but truly I understand the need to give especially when one can not afford to give. To do so with faith is sanctified and will be rewarded not in death but in life.
I expect greatness from myself. I am. A friend recently told me to sit tall and proud and know with confidence that I am eccentric, spiritual, honest, and fun spirited. She went on to say that I am beautiful and should smile more. Hmm. Smile more?
I feel so serious all the time but my heart is happy, hopeful, optimistic. I am a mystic. An old soul wise and therefore frustrated by the previous me that had nearly consumed she. Into the darkness of the night I fell, locked myself away and there chose to dwell. The tears I cried hidden even to me were too great a burden for a child to see. Thank goodness forgiveness has set me free.
I am not without condemnation for those would be saints who sought to mastermind my destruction before I even ever had my footing planted on solid ground. I was tutored on how to self destruct, told all the things I would be but never was. I was uprooted time and time again but today have been fortunate to find old friends. Technology!
I suppose they remember me for many reasons though. I am proud today of a life worthy to show. And to be so recalled by many from the past, I made an impression made of iron not glass. They tell me again and again and again they remember me ‘cuz I was so nice to them. A true friend. A person worth through life remembering.
August 31, 2009
Pushing. She just keeps pushing herself to the brink! Emotional exhaustion teetering between existances. She’s so unwilling to embrace her blessings live her gifts know her truths!
I am she standing a top Mount Hope delivered unto myself naked before my third eye. She is I.
I am she standing a top Mount Hope deliverance unto myself naked before my third eye. She is I.
Knowing I am capable confident I am. Moving forward allowing prosperity to wash over me joyously reborn from the ashes of self loathing.
I am one.
Been fun the last 3 days. Friday was Aquatica, Saturday the beach, Sunday the Y and swimming then chill relax chores are done.
Connected. Fused together in perfect synchronicity. I am free among these pages of verse.
I bare all before self that the words set forth be uncontaminated with a self righteous heart.
That my words may set another soul free from the burdens of their past!
Forgive Thyself
Forgive thyself child. Born anew into a life you’ve chosen to live from birth.
Ye exist for the humane existence!
Learn what it means to L-O-V-E.
LOVE thyself above all others.
For unto thyself be true! Yield at selfishness though.
For love is compassion not frustration and anger. Love is communication, equal and unrighteous. Love is disagreeing without judgment and understanding another’s humane point of view.
You live amongst one another in a cloud of recklessness bittered by woes too complex for even a true sentient being to grasp.
But they are self made.
Mother Earth screams out to the universe of her love for you as you rape and murder her. You think you’re insignificant enough to be the only ones? Or special enough to be the only intelligent ones?
You are neither.
You just are.
Forgive thyself for your recklessness.
For your greed and self righteousness.
But know dear human, ye exist for the humane existence.
You are not wicked with numbered days counting hopelessly to the end of your soul’s epic journey through this existence only then to be judged!
You are a soul. An energy that knows of other dimensions and times and galaxies.
A being born pure of heart unto a world which hosts and existence you chose to embrace for a lifetime. Only for one lifetime.
Come together. Come together as one in prayer and hope. Faith that together we can fix it as our precious gift to the universe.
I know we are capable. Each of us here at this moment have a gift to offer someone else.
Peace, light, love be with you on your journey through life.
One love,
Self
August 4, 2009
Life’s a comin’! full keel ahead won’t stop ‘til you’re dead it’s a comin‘. It’s a comin’ life’s a comin’
Spend a moment in your head hear what your heart’s said cause life’s comin’. It’s comin’. Life’s comin’.
I try to slow down the race forward into the abyss by my head and my heart won’t come back from this melancholy I’ve locked my soul into.
Whichever where I wander same eyes are always there staring back at the woman I portray to the outside world ever afraid to be the me my inner child dreams of I become.
My mind races in so called confusion. Afraid to act on what I know. Copasetic in my today of self inflicted woes.
Woe! Hold on there Nelly! Slow the trail ride down! You’re runnin’ and a buckin’ and there ain’t no fear around!
I am at your reigns! I am master of this plot. Listen while tell a tale of all the woes you’ve not.
I choose not to be dramatic, self absorbing of others pains. I choose to not be a victim of a twisted man’s rage. I choose to take action and act on what I know. It’s that feeling of fear that says I shouldn’t go.
But I go.
‘Cuz
Life’s comin’. Full keel ahead won’t stop until I’m dead. It’s a comin’. It’sa comin’. Life’s comin’.
(written for Wendy F. may you find the peace in the strength of your trials until you can find strength in your survival.)
August 12, 2009
Come again I am to this day.
Rejoice and be proud!
Sings a song high on praise.
Rejoice and sing aloud.
That all might know of better days
Amidst their dark nights still to come
That one more heart might know love
Amidst it’s dreams undone.
One love,
Self
August 15, 2009
I saw my doc today. My head shrink. He gave me an ADD test and I “passed” with flying colors. The only symptom I didn’t have is a need stimulate adrenaline. No, no skydiving for me!
So what if the misfiring in my head began as a coping mechanism as a child? Manifested from enduring long lectures about everything that was never wrong with me?
Had I not suffered at the hands of would be saints, I’d know not of the ways of my heart, soul, and mind.
August 17, 2009
What of the ways of my heart, soul and mind?
These truths I hold to be self evident.
1) I am kind.
2) I am wise.
3) I am enlightened.
4) I am strong.
5) I am brave.
6) I am unique.
7) I am loved.
8) I am compassionate.
9) I am patient.
10) I am understanding.
Affirmative. And as you act overcoming the fear conquered more self truths will become clear.
I know I’ve said it before but this time I do have it. I do. I don’t know where I went for so long……………. One thing after another has led me back to this moment. Again and again I have come to stand here looking out from Mount Hope calling for a rally of like minds to embrace a new tomorrow. All the while I ……………….. to speak it is to call it to be still today.
Let go. Breathe. Inhale, exhale. Allow peace to wash you clean.
August 18, 2009
OMFG! I M 1 OF THOSE PPL WHO R ALWAYZ N CHAOS!!!
Wow! And I try to stay away from people who are always in chaos!
We who point the finger………….
©©©©©©
What gives you the right to diminish someone’s hope of a brighter tomorrow? Instinctively placing you and your societies and beliefs into the life of another questioning all they have ever been?
Who do you think you are? To abandon hope and forsake the teachings of one so pure and simplify the message to aide in begotten greeds? (intentionally misspelled! Greeds)
©©©©©©
When did you come to be? Where’s the woman I was falling in love with striving to be all she had ever dreamed of being?
Cancel. Cancel. Breathe.
Start fresh without battering yourself badgering yourself diminishing your credibility unto self. If you act as your own worst enemy how can you excel forward? To what goal do you stride so hesitantly? What reality are you calling to be?
Think of the rice story. About the Japs concentrated and focused on one batch of rice and thought good thoughts and on the other they focused negative energy and of how different they were at the end of the experiment. The rice had manifested the energy of the thoughts being projected towards it.
Think of the water molecules. Of how the Japs (maybe the same group of scientists?) meditated with water molecules and did the same thing. The batch with positive energy was comprised of beautiful intricate and complicated shapes formed by the water. The batch with the negative energy became misshapen, broken, and unappealing to look at.
I choose not to live like that anymore. It is by choice I choose to live and I choose by choice to live by free will. I am bigger than their inequities. Fuck the would be saints. I am blessed to have encountered their grief. For it is in reflection I have come to embrace the better parts of me.
August 19, 2009
T.D. Jakes Redirect Yourself revisited. A true attempt was made at the wrong time in my previous life to completely absorb his wisdom to my strife. Now the time is right.
For I am as committed to this change as I am to my good name. I can not, will not continue down the path where obstacles look the same.
August 20, 2009
Life has an interesting way of making it’s point. Today was a fantastic day full of hope for rekindling friendships, bonding with old alliances and making solid contacts. My time was not wasted. Everything turning out to be ok. I’m glad I ventured outside of my nightmare of the last year locked away in small town USA.
Better and better everyday. Not only are my thoughts more focused but my attitude has significantly improved. I must mention a happening of yesterday. I called Unity to tithe for the first time in my life 20% of what I had in my pocket. In spite of my positive attitude amongst these pages there has been financial duress in my life for over a year.
I confess, it was difficult to let go of any amount of money! Every little bit could mean the difference between getting around, having food, or keeping the lights on. But how long did I live like that, and still never having enough? I always expected to have what I need to get by, well, I’m over just getting by at the last minute. Time to try something new.
So, within about a ½ hour of making the call that I was going to come by before 4pm (therefore committing myself to do it so I wouldn’t spend it) I received a call from a guy who owns a large construction company in a nearby city. He asked me about a list I am composing of local contractors and construction workers who are struggling to stay afloat with the economy. I had contacted him over two weeks prior and figured I wouldn’t hear from him. I had been trying to do business with him for about 2 years.
He wanted to know what my motivation was for compiling the list. I explained that I have been seeing small business owners drop benefits and lay off employees who then can’t afford benefits on their own because there just hasn’t been enough work. I told him my motivation was that if I could put my contacts in touch with one another and they could bid on jobs together, boost one another’s morale, and offer words of wisdom to help each other then perhaps I could help save their business. I told him that for the little bit of time it would take for me to compile the list it was worth it because perhaps a few years down the road when their business was back on track they’d remember how I helped them and think of me for their insurance needs.
He remembered who I was and was excited to speak to me again. He explained that he and his wife and four other close family friends had decided to open a performing arts center in the area and he also opened a lighting company. He invited me out in two weeks to have lunch and tour his new businesses.
I was so excited that I called a friend who I haven’t seen in a while in his area and told her that I’d be coming into the city to have lunch with him. To my amazement she knows him personally (for 15 years) and invited me to a chamber function for their chamber tomorrow evening. Then she asked me to do a health quote for her and a quote on two cars!
So I get off the phone with her, call him and leave a message about being in the area tomorrow and could we please meet then instead of in two weeks. He called me back today to say that was fine and we ended up chatting for an hour about ethics, religion, helping one another, the economy, and his children’s talents. I am confident that we are like minded in our goals to help people and through that commonality I will attain the opportunity (and blessing) to assist him with his benefits package as a whole.
I am still stunned that this happening came within a ½ hour of me calling Unity to tithe for the first time in my life! I raced to Unity, getting there as Miss A was locking the door (3:57) to give her my tithe. I told her that if my day had been any indication of the Universe assisting me in achieving my new found desire to be wealthy and prosperous then she could look forward to my tithe becoming larger and larger as my prosperity grew.
It’s refreshing to see hope reborn in an instant, manifest from something I’ve never accepted as necessary that I finally decided to agree to.
If what we’re doing isn’t working, why keep doing it? I’ve been told and read books about the importance of tithing and scoffed at it. When I don’t have enough money to eat I certainly DO NOT want to GIVE IT AWAY! But, alas, to continue down the road of selfishness would be to not accept with graciousness the humbling my soul has experienced this past year. How can we move forward if we can’t let go of yesterday’s thought patterns?
August 20, 2009
Today was disappointing. My daughter will need to start going to a different day care, as a direct result of my lack of income for the last year. I struggled to keep her there because she had friends and it was a good quality school. There are other alternatives, and they certainly are affordable, but they are settling.
I know I’m supposed to stay positive and be focused on where I’m headed but it’s not always as easy as that. For so long finances have been an issue and I’ve got the skills to fix that. It’s just that my head wasn’t in the game until the last minute and just now my situation is beginning to improve. A day late and a dollar short.
But at the end of every beginning is a new beginning and I believe this is a blessing in disguise. I have to, to get me through it. I’m a good person and deserve the success I dream of for myself and my family. I know it’s to be had. But how? Am I not trying everything I can to make things happen in my career? Well, I hadn’t been. And if I had perhaps they’d have gone differently. But there’s no point in looking back with regret as long as I’m ready to keep moving forward in better days and faith that all is truly all right.
Lonely
Lonely she sits isolated in her misery. One day she's on fire with passion then hateful words cut off her desire and leave her burning with loneliness. She prays for sanctification of her soul and the heavens do not offer an answer readily. She prayed for this. She left behind a life of unknowns for what she dreamed was a manifestation of her heart's truest desire. Today she has accepted the inevitability of the impending loss. She knows without a doubt that the fight isn't worth the tears she's cried year after year suffering in a loss too great for her soul to consider. True love never dies her father once told her as she cried to him on the phone long ago of a love lost and gone. How many loves have come and gone since that wisdom came into her knowing? How many forgotten prayers had she wept for in her years? Wondering in her pain if the senselessness of the loss would subside to brighter days? Knowing tomorrow would bring hope renewed but too tired to bother she allows herself to stay locked in melancholy until a resolution presents itself.
“I’m outta here first chance I get!” she consoles herself with words of confidence lacking the ability to make immediate changes believing one day soon she would have the power to re-empower herself. Recharge her life. She longs to look in the mirror and see a happy soul gazing back at her, proud of all she had accomplished on her own, without anyone else feeling they should be accredited for her successes. She deserves that she says to herself day after day to prevent her hope from wasting away while the anger rages on in a heart beaten clean of hope and having never quite grasped the concept of faith.
Lonely she sits absorbed in her visions of what wonders tomorrow holds in spite of the depths of her despair had this day. She knows of splendors to be had for the faithful who follow their heart’s desires and of the joys for memories made though love may fade. She is entranced in her words and uses her pen as a release from the burdens her heart isn’t ready to release knowing the time comes fast for that one day when she will be all alone and finally be safe.
One love,
Self
August 22, 2009
Why do I always seem to go about things the long way?
Because you are the perfect storm.
©©©©©©
August 22, 2009
Of what wonders my heart does dream, but all alone? Alone it seems. Though yield at your perception. At the inception of this love quest had there was a goal, a dream I had. To take a vow of celibacy I knew then I would then find me. I made an attempt and caved to his will knowing then I’d need it still. That’s not to say all alone as some would say then “don’t come home“. It is here in this home we’ve made that I wish I could learn to be calm and safe. But it’s not possible here.
Over the years the ache’s been great and I’ve cried the tears of the great Salt Lakes. Just when I had it, it swept away and left me dieing 10,000 days. I have given up and seek back to me. I wish to once again find the me that’s free. Free of woes not my own, free of anger in my home, free of perceptions that hinder me, free of a sadness that none can see. I seek to find peace and land back at me. A vision of hope I call to thee.
Lord lift me up that I know peace. May I know serenity, may I know peace. Let me find a place my thoughts can rest ‘cuz I’m losing my ground in this loneliness. Side by side I’ve called to him again and again I’ve called to him. He does not come and if does not stays. For each time we’re close we pull away. His struggles are not mine nor mine his so who says we have to go on like this?
Best friends we vowed and committed we are. But our happiness bears a jagged scar. For through our struggles we’ve distanced ourselves from the one who made all okay when it came undone. For rare occasion we speak the same but those days are fewer and farther between.
It is my prayer, my falling star wish dear Lord that I remove myself from true love’s sword. That’s not to say my feelings will die but as my confidence grows the ache will subside. I must learn to find myself amidst a lifetime full of loneliness.
Loneliness
©©©©©©
I deserve better from myself than to be wallowing in misery suffering in a loss that should never have been in the first place. My pig headedness has landed me here feeling bemused and bewildered with yesterday. But Amen! I feel grateful and gracious and forgiving of my trespasses for while I may be my own worst enemy in the end it comes back to me and at my heart’s core I am she.
Sweet and innocence a flower she prayed for peace at her darkest hour. The good Lord came to kneel next to her, she heard the wings of angles flurry. “Child I am with thee beside this bed. I lift ye up reside in thy head. So that when thoust comest to me I am already residing in thee. Please accept this peace as my hug and in your sadness, meditation your drug. For you must know how to come to me for in thy darkest hour I can not save thee.”
August 24, 2009
Anger and frustration come quick to some bittered, bare of hope. I try to rationalize with them but are my words in vain? Who am I to change their path bring them back to peace of mind?
A messenger? A poet? A philosopher? Is this gift I’ve run so quick from some part of a bigger plan?
I am more than I am. So proud to be who I am. Ready. I’m ready finally.
Hmm. Scoffs at me. Hesitant to believe in me.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO WE?
Because so many people see what you will not see. I see! No. Consistency is the key.
Follow through on something child. Allow yourself daily room to breathe. Appreciate yourself.
Appreciate yourself as the temple of the essence of all that is pure in LOVE divine.
Manifest your heart’s truest desire step into the fire holding your shoulders high and proud.
Speak loud. Not just in voice either. Utilize your verse to reach the massed muddled in their confusing contradicting what it means to be human.
What it means to be human?
To breathe breath of sunshine and salt. To walk so close to death itself. To feel sandy toes while licking rain. To know the touch of love true. To question the fundamentals of who you are as a society. One world amongst many spinning in a cocoon tucked deep into safe space.
Protected. Left alone as a destination on your soul’s journey home. On every soul’s eternity quest to be LOVE divine.
LOVE divine?
To thine ownself be true. Follow your hearts desire through your heart. Speak daily of the gratitude you exhume and be thankful for who you are. One among many born of a fallen star.
Religion is for those not yet prepared to believe in themselves.
Rethink your life. Achieve happiness abundant in wealth and prosperity. Blessed as you are in LOVE divine.
August 25, 2009
A moment to spare in serenity. Say silent prayers for those who’ve angered me. Meditate on the demoness who resides in me. Find voice in verse set my soul free. Her hand gently grazed bare metal. Warm and wet from summer’s rain. The air was freshly moist, damp to the skin. Gently a breeze blew across the water caressing her sensuality as she exited to another beginning. Confident, capable, committed.
She moved tall, graceful proud. Shoulders intentionally held high, chin up.
Others need to not know of her momentary mental meltdowns. Temporary lapses of sanity where her mind wants to be a wall flower, safe from disappointed sheltered from rejection.
To never venture is to never gain. It’ll stay the same day after day if I keep choosing that way. So what do I do when confronted with opposition? Passive / aggressive blows me away! Then learn to be assertive and let it stay.
Speak strongly. Vocalize your intentions so you do not feel abandoned when others mistakenly take your kindness for weakness you are stronger than this.
You are as strong as this.
Don’t back down from the loneliness. Isolating yourself in failure perceived grieving for yesterdays answered prayer. Allow your mind to move away from there.
Settle into quiet reflection counting your blessings one by one. It has all along been choices you have made.
Be free now you are not yesterday’s slave.
You are not a wall flower but a standing flower.
Unique in your gifts beauty and kindness. Appreciative of your countless joys.
I am abundant in prosperity. A faithful heart holds fear at bay. I am come again and here to stay.
One love,
Self
Met with Miss A today of Unity. She told me to think about me. Not to push away the demoness resides in me. But pray for her that we be free. Embracing all of me. That we become I become I am me.
August 28, 2009
Happy. A two edged serrated sword. A world ready to flee a glimpses first smile. Happy in denile. Been awhile since I sat and stared at me. Angry too long longing to be free.
Perhaps pride’s price is impossible to grasp! “I quit! AM TIRED! AM SICK!” I gasp.
Overwhelmed in someone else’s ideals of who I am not? Discouraging me with lack of faith unknowing of the many battles I’ve fought?
I am resilient. Able to withstand tyranny and see past another’s doubts in me. I know that because I’m human I struggle with a big heart. Desiring other’s approval of myself.
Ha! And where has THAT gotten you? Huh?
Beaten down dragged down slung through the muddy waters of tears only I know I cry.
Why bother?
Because in spite of another’s perception at the core of we I have always been I.
August 30, 2009
Stuffy! Ack! Sick I am. Yet still I keep going . . . Like the frigging energize bunny. Uh huh. I cleaned today and cleaned and cleaned. Still there’s several days worth of cleaning left. Gotta finish dusting, hadn’t made even the smallest dent in the laundry, must clean out the foyer, and mow the jungle outback. Geeze! This year has been so rainy that grass is up to my knees within 2 weeks.
Oh I wish I could breathe through my nose. I suppose between the stirred up dust and freshly cut grass I’ll be suffering for the next couple of days. OH NO! Maybe it’s swine flu! LOL J
Things in general have been good. Looking in the right direction with hope and appreciation for my struggle along the way. Always I have know that things one day would be okay, thank God I realized that things are okay today. I have committed myself to tithing. Difficult as it is to part with just 10% but truly I understand the need to give especially when one can not afford to give. To do so with faith is sanctified and will be rewarded not in death but in life.
I expect greatness from myself. I am. A friend recently told me to sit tall and proud and know with confidence that I am eccentric, spiritual, honest, and fun spirited. She went on to say that I am beautiful and should smile more. Hmm. Smile more?
I feel so serious all the time but my heart is happy, hopeful, optimistic. I am a mystic. An old soul wise and therefore frustrated by the previous me that had nearly consumed she. Into the darkness of the night I fell, locked myself away and there chose to dwell. The tears I cried hidden even to me were too great a burden for a child to see. Thank goodness forgiveness has set me free.
I am not without condemnation for those would be saints who sought to mastermind my destruction before I even ever had my footing planted on solid ground. I was tutored on how to self destruct, told all the things I would be but never was. I was uprooted time and time again but today have been fortunate to find old friends. Technology!
I suppose they remember me for many reasons though. I am proud today of a life worthy to show. And to be so recalled by many from the past, I made an impression made of iron not glass. They tell me again and again and again they remember me ‘cuz I was so nice to them. A true friend. A person worth through life remembering.
August 31, 2009
Pushing. She just keeps pushing herself to the brink! Emotional exhaustion teetering between existances. She’s so unwilling to embrace her blessings live her gifts know her truths!
I am she standing a top Mount Hope delivered unto myself naked before my third eye. She is I.
I am she standing a top Mount Hope deliverance unto myself naked before my third eye. She is I.
Knowing I am capable confident I am. Moving forward allowing prosperity to wash over me joyously reborn from the ashes of self loathing.
I am one.
July 2009 Collective Conversations with Self
July 4, 2009
No. I’m not doing everything I could. Why? What is it that’s blocking me from even bothering to try to get along with V which would bring me so much joy?
Pastor l said to look to self forgiveness if you were blocking something good that you wanted to happen. Can I learn to forgive him for the things he says? Can I learn to forgive myself for being cold and callous or flighty towards him, towards life. Do I want to?
Ah. There is the root of your question! “Do I want to?” Well do you? Or have you become by choose that which you C-L-A-I-M to so detest?
Reaching
Reaching for the stars
In hopes of landing on the moon
Well then you expect
You won’t reach the stars soon
To offer into existence
A dream you plan to reach for
You must learn to silence doubt
And learn to truly be sure
Hmmm. To truly be sure
I’d have to let go.
Allow my hear to cry
Accept the healing of my soul.
YES! And for a former master of faith
You must allow the universe to replace
The woes of yesteryear
Weigh heavy on your mind
Learn to let go
And all will be fine.
Why won’t I let go!!!!????
Umm. See the root of the question,
It’s something only you can decide.
July 5, 2009
A weekend of celebration my sunbeam turned 2 years Friday! Fireworks, gifts and ice cream. Her days were perfect! How precious she is these days. Tender hugs, gently “I love you” is spoken from the lips of the closest thing on earth to an angel. Big hugs and get you giggles fill our house. Pitter patter across the floor, she prefers bare feet to socks and shoes. She is truly a gift from God. I do all I can for her happiness. That includes as it must pursuing my own happiness.
As I put down these words I’ve been going through some of my older journals. For 11 years I’ve been in love with V. Longing for something I had to earn to get. I’ve lost sight of who I am, where I want to go with my life. There have been so many ups and downs these many years, the only constant has been that I’ve faithfully loved him as a lover and he’s faithfully loved me as a friend.
What a twisted web I wove! All about my head for all these years have been visions of us sitting on a porch swing, white hair blowing in the wind on a rainy fall day. Misleading it was, expectant of that which never was meant to be. Praying, and the universe did answer my prayers, but alas be careful what you wish for.
Perhaps he and I would have been better off had we chosen different paths? Hard to say, too late now to speculate. Can only continue to move forward striving for inner peace. In order to be the best mommy I can be; I’ve got to be the best me I can be first.
I believe that means accepting the inevitable. He’s fed up and will perhaps be moving on soon in life. We certainly gave it a good go! But sometimes that’s what it takes to be friends once the waters have been muddled with all the other shit that comes from 9 years of living together. 9 years! WOW! Yep, it’ll be 9 years this November. Hard to believe how much we’ve each grown together as people and grown apart in our hearts.
July 6, 2009
Wow. Well I suppose there is a time and a place for everything. We spent several hours talking tonight of how it’s supposed to be. Me and my independence so that I can feel like I’ve got somewhere in life and how that will provide me the emotional stability I’ve been looking for. Dead on. He’s right, it wasn’t supposed to be like this. The idea has always been neighboring houses so that we could be individuals and still be there for Nikki. It’s what I want and him too. My goals are aimed at getting me there.
Anyways, I spent the last 4 hours putting together Volume 2000 Journey into Love and ironically it’s all about me falling into love with him. Even in the pages 9 years old (to the day!) I profess a devotion to his heart that he maintains he doesn’t feel, doesn’t want to feel, and probably never would feel. Maintaining even then, we are friends. I am appreciative of the emotions I felt back then as part of the journey I’ve been on to further explore myself, my heart, my gifts, and my purpose.
Truthfully it was rather disgusting to me though. How I gushed over him and allowed myself to confuse friendship with something more. I lost my sense of individuality 9 years ago to him and over 20 years ago to circumstances of life. Don’t get me wrong, thank God I met him and was so compelled to be that person to him because I am proud of the woman I’ve become today as a result of the friendship perceived relationship I clung to.
But oh! To not be identified by my obsessive need to have a man in my life! To feel comfortable just being Rikka and get to know who Rikka is. What makes me happy? What does Rikka want from life?
I can be anything I want to be. If I just put my mind to it, the world is mine to run amuck in! I want to be an individual, successful and self sustaining. I want to the financial freedom to go the places I want to go, buy the things I want to buy, donate to a good cause when the urge so strikes me, and the confidence that comes from knowing I did it on my own. I deserve that from myself for once.
How can I be most effective as a mother if I’ve not been able to make my way on my own throughout life always clinging to a man for my identity and self worth? Naturally because of some of the things I went through I have had some identity issues, but for how long shall one continue to let them go on?
I’ve been writing for years calling for others to jump forward on faith that they could do it, all the time ignoring that it was myself I was talking to. Even when Pastor l proclaimed that to be true and I conceded that it “could be true” I’ve denied there was any validity in the statement. HA! I guess I should do the inner child exercise Pastor l told me to do. There’s not gonna be a better time than now to start getting in touch with all sides of me.
Again, how un-coincidently he should call as I’m putting together that particular portion of my collections. I’ve not looked to those pages and read them for 9 years. I assure you, I was in such a hurry to move onto the next page of life that I seldom reread my words after the moment for writing them had passed.
Interestingly enough however before I delved into love with V and consumed myself with the emotions I suppose I needed to feel I was on a quest for higher truth. The pages were about questioning things and had insights and philosophies and conversations with my higher power. Musings about our place here as a species. Then suddenly that stopped only to reappear briefly and typically followed by a profession of googly goo school girl fancy about how wonderful V is.
What about how wonderful I am? How amazingly kind hearted and forgiving I have grown to be! I am compassionate, understanding, gregarious, a philanthropist, phenomenally talented with writing and blessed for having a life worth talking about. Well, at the very least Journey into Love is a love story.
I think Evolution should be my love story about falling in love with myself.
©©©©©©
July 7, 2009
A friend to speak my soul’s truth. Thank you universe. She said she’s blessed that I wouldn’t let go of her when she was drowning herself just under a month ago. Thankful for I. I saw myself in her despair, but a blink away from that overwhelming sadness monster just waiting on the sidelines to gobble up my hope and feed upon my soul. There but by the Grace of God go we. We can’t leave one another behind lest it be one day us reaching out from behind the wall only to find we’re all alone. You get what you give, give more than you get.
Peace. I feel peace this day after my heart to heart with V. Time to live again. So long our lives have been on hold muddled by the cloudiness of my hopes and desires for that which never was meant to be. Well, perhaps it could’ve been, in another life time. I can’t make someone love me as I desire them to. Why should I want to? I don’t need the acceptance and love of another to gage my self worth. It’s called self worth because it’s about how much am I worth to myself. How valuable is my happiness? Is it worth giving up 12 years of believing in a fantasy only I dreamed that was unreciprocated by the hero in my tales?
Life is a journey, there are many possible destinations. I’m ready to accept that this train is moving on down the line to the next station. True, I don’t know where it’ll be that I’ll end up. I do however know where I will not end up and that gives me strength to break through the walls looming just before me and to keep fighting for the unknowns of tomorrow with faith that I will land exactly where I’m supposed to.
Lonely
In me there is a child longing to be free
Patiently she waits, lonely she waits until I feel safe
In me there is a lover longing to be loved
Patiently she waits, lonely she waits until I feel love is safe
In me there is a woman longing to live
Patiently she waits, lonely she waits until I’m ready to accept her gifts.
Into the darkness of my mind
Lonely my heart dwells
And through the fears of yesteryear
The survivor in me swells
Each day in despair I stayed
Self inflicted hells
I choose today to escape
For I know tomorrow all is meant to be well.
July 8, 2009
It could be too much to bear for someone so weak as I was yesteryear.
To retrace the steps of one’s delving into apparently delusional infatuation could be too much for one to bear. I am risen from the chaos of a manic mind. I am released from the woes of a heart forlorn. Thank goodness I didn’t lose anymore time to that portion of my journey.
So a friend told me about this exercise where you write down daily for 40 days 3 things you want. Says that if I skip a day I must start over for 40 is holy. The number 40 is significant and used often to describe a length of time in the bible. 40 days Christ was in the desert, it rained and poured for 40 days, Moses on the mountain 40 something or other relative to that. Interesting finding that out today because I’ve long wanted to take a sabbatical at age 40. Made it a goal that at 40 I’m in a position in my life to travel and explore my sense of religion.
Religion. Religion Is for those not yet prepared to believe in themselves. - God
An epiphany realized in the clarity of a waking mind stunned into transition. That was the first time I unmistakably heard God. To further explore it I suppose one would have to begin by knowing where they are on their personal spiritual quest. I used to be compelled to convince people they needed to listen to me to understand what I know to be true. Today I accept that folks are each on their own path and though I yearn to assist them and make it easier it’s not my place. Nor do I have time to be that person for them.
By placing myself in the situation room watching over humanity I had intimidated myself (into apathy) with the over whelming weight of saving the world when all along it was imperative only that I slow down, breathe, and write. That’s right, it was as simple all along. I ran to the aide of others trying to keep up with their lives so that I could avoid living mine. Healthy boundaries. Now I’ve got healthy boundaries.
©©©©©
Prayer
Keep thee safest and closest to thy heart a prayer only you are familiar with. Pray in earnest with faith thy deserveth the reality you dare to dream into existence. Allow yourself to wrap your brain around this concept for you have the right to understand this “if you dream it; it will be.”
Metaphysically the universe moves to support your hearts desire. Be careful what you pray for though because it’s a powerful tool. And don’t bother wishing and praying for bad things to happen to others because God doesn’t hear a vengeful, envious heart. And don’t pray for things that you’re responsible for making happen (like quitting smoking, help you lose weight). God can’t make you decide not to eat that 2 am snack or purchase the pack of smokes. He’s not going to strike you down for doing it. That’s your free will.
Strength to overcome those addictions, that’s what you pray for. Addictions can be to people, emotions, and life styles, as well as to experiences, food, work, sex, gambling, substances, and material possessions. It’s important to know how to pray because you truly will be heard. Don’t clutter up the metaphysical world with bullshit and anger and confusion.
Channel your mind and heart towards peaceful resolutions to things that disturb you. For example, I QUIT watching the news several years ago because it was so negative that it angered me and disgusted me. Child porn and pervs, senseless murders, war the list went on and on each day something new I couldn’t imagine humans could do.
What if instead of pretending like it wasn’t there, turning a blind eye to those atrocities I had sent love and hope to the victims through meditation? Could I have lessened their suffering? I believe so.
Take that a step further. What if when we pray and we tune the universe into us we spent that time of prayer in silent meditation giving thanks for our blessings and sending love into the universe? And what if when we want something mundane instead of praying to the ever mystical master of our ENTIRE UNIVERSE we took some of the weight off it’s shoulders and took chare of our reality with action.
Self fulfilling prophecy.
Just think on that Rikka, apply it to your purpose.
Speed
July 14, 2009
Went to a head-shrink last week to get anti anxiety meds. Prescribed me some Zoloft. Seems to be helping with the racing thoughts. Did notice though that I’m more tiered. I don’t like that. Perhaps it’ll pass soon? I let ‘em know that I won’t take them for an extended period of time. I think it’s sometimes necessary to reset our brain after a traumatic event or extended period of stress or depression.
Used to I would have done street drugs but today’s a new day and I’m a new me. Working on creating myself. Changing the way I say things. Even seemingly harmless things like “I’m always 5 minutes late” can be harmful. Now I tell myself I’m always 5 minutes early and not saying anything out loud so that I’m not committed to in in case I slip.
But wait! Is not that an excuses? But that’s my excuses for everything! Don’t commit so if I slip . . . I’m sending to the universe that I will most likely fail. I’m expecting to fail hoping I won’t!
Kudos for Rikka huh? This is a light bulb moment for me. I seem to have them often then it’s lights out nobody’s home at Rikka’s and I end up doing the same ol’ same ol’.
WTF! You just did it again! How ‘bout this time right here right now you claim it. Take control and act on what you know!
Stop saying such negative things about yourself. Have hope and faith that this time, this day, you shine! It’s your choice, it’s your free will, IT IS your destiny.
The Watch Tower . . .
Untitled
Spent some time in prayer today,
Father lift me up
I know there is a better way.
Give me strength to carry on
Fight for justice pray for love.
He sent His messengers to me
Hold tight child thou art the key!
These questions burning rage red hot
Set the stage for that one day long forgotten erased
I hit my knees the tears rolled down
Lord why me? I chose NOT this destiny!
His voice came through the emptiness black
Hold tight child do NOT turn back!
You know your heart you know your soul
You deny your faith you won’t let go.
I raised my voice to Him on high
My Father I fail though I try!
My knees gave weak to my trembling soul
I made a vow I then let go.
But you hadn’t let go. Noticed I said hadn’t? Because to let go you must claim freedom of heart as though it is.
This is the day I have made. I rejoice and am glad in it!
This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine! Won’t life blow it out, NO I’m let it shine let It shine let it shine
Peace comes to those who wait long enough, I’ve waited long enough.
July 17, 2009
I don’t want to write tonight. I don’t know what to write tonight. I must pick up my pen and write tonight lest I forget all that’s going right in life.
Insomnia swells my tongue dilating my pupils. Sleep has escaped my weary mind racing in skepticism of today’s realized dream. All is as it seems. Just remember to breathe. You must write every night when you least want to write. Lest you continue numbly on the same path you’ve chosen thus far in life.
Each is meant to shine on. Pick a path and let your soul sing it’s song. Today IS the day you have made. Through forgiveness you’ve reclaimed your faith.
Stand proud in the face of change sweet child. Each new day brings forth hope anew. Look to the impending storm with fresh eyes as only you know the real you.
I want LOVE! I am lonely here inside my mind. Been lonely a long time. That’s because you chose to create a dream to dwell in. He’s spoken time and time again that you are but a true friend.
What of telling my family he wanted to marry me that Thanksgivings year?
STOP! Quit holding onto blind hope that your love for him will make him love you the same way! You’re drowning your soul in sabotage if you continue to play that same game!
Move on from your place of solace. Look to tomorrow joyously. True today’s twisting and turning but your heart is still yours. Treat it with more respect. To thine own self be true.
Burn
Isolated
Affection hinders me complicates me
Been burnin’ too long
Been lonely too long
Locked into her sorrows
A woman weeps silently
Longing to be needed
Longing to be free
Her tears soothe her ache
While she fights to hold on
The sorrows of today
Have been hers for too long
She prays for peace
Heaven tells her it’s now
She continues to look back
Questioning how
I tell her to live for today
Take her joy back
I will win this battle
I tell her she CAN count on that!
July 20, 2009
I’m at a true cross roads in my life. There are so many people who believe in me and are willing to fight for me to work with them. They believe I’m talented and capable and all I’ve got to do is do it. Just do it.
Why won’t I jump up and down to be standing here again? Because for so long I’ve lacked faith in friends turned foe. Political melodrama of the it crowd hampered my soul and therefore my performance!
No, I don’t blame others for decisions made or still to come as a backlash of my unwillingness to accept accountability for the things in my life.
I am capable. I can do this. I am doing it. It’s a transformation. To hell with yesterday’s sorrow! OH! And self inflicted they were! The reality is if I’d tried harder I would have made it any number of times. There is no such thing as mistakes in the journey of life if one embraces opportunity.
But why won’t I jump up and down then? Don’t I deserve to be successful and have everything my heart desires? Proud of my accomplishments (why have I backed down so many times before from life?)
Ahh…….there you go. Life is about questions. You must listen to your heart to hear the whispering of the root of the question.
Do you want to?
Of course.
Then believe and move on from yesterday’s woes to a day where you aren’t ashamed to be the splendid you you’ve dreamed of for so long.
This is the universe’s song unto you.
You are again standing on the brink of life with both hands raised in the air. The only question pretty lady is ARE YOUR FEET PLANTED FIRMLY ON FAITH?
For you can’t jump (or at least shouldn’t) until you’re sure where you’ll land.
Hmmm. I disagree! Isn’t that what faith’s about? Taking sensible chances because you know it’s right? Not knowing where you’ll end up along the journey but appreciating the path you chose is peace internal?
Ah! BUT if you have true faith then you also have faith in your ability to manifest your reality for where you want to end up therefore it’s never really a question of not knowing where you’ll end up.
Touché! Faith.
One love,
Self
July 31, 2009
Touché indeed! Planning, goal setting success. All deserved indeed. Though not just by me . . . By all.
Why do we settle for less from self than our hearts very desire? Perhaps because there are those of us who’ve chosen to surround ourselves with others who are on a different quest?
If you believe you’re meant to be successful and have spent time pondering why you’re not knowing you’re doing everything right have you considered self?
By self I’m referring to who you choose to invest most of your time with. Friends, family, partners, and yourself. If you’re on a quest for say spiritual enlightenment and financial wealth and those closest to you don’t think you can do it do you continue to associate with the energy vampires because you in your heart don’t believe you deserve those things?
Keep in mind, no matter how positive your mind is, how much faith you have, or how many self help books you read if those closest to you knock you down you’ll not succeed!
You must learn to over come the negativity by choosing a different path. When you walk away in pursuit of your dreams your dreams will flourish.
Think of magnets! A negative and a positive cancel each other out every time. Metaphysically that must be going on too! The negative energy in your life is cancelling out your spark of hope before it ever has a chance to become a flame.
No. I’m not doing everything I could. Why? What is it that’s blocking me from even bothering to try to get along with V which would bring me so much joy?
Pastor l said to look to self forgiveness if you were blocking something good that you wanted to happen. Can I learn to forgive him for the things he says? Can I learn to forgive myself for being cold and callous or flighty towards him, towards life. Do I want to?
Ah. There is the root of your question! “Do I want to?” Well do you? Or have you become by choose that which you C-L-A-I-M to so detest?
Reaching
Reaching for the stars
In hopes of landing on the moon
Well then you expect
You won’t reach the stars soon
To offer into existence
A dream you plan to reach for
You must learn to silence doubt
And learn to truly be sure
Hmmm. To truly be sure
I’d have to let go.
Allow my hear to cry
Accept the healing of my soul.
YES! And for a former master of faith
You must allow the universe to replace
The woes of yesteryear
Weigh heavy on your mind
Learn to let go
And all will be fine.
Why won’t I let go!!!!????
Umm. See the root of the question,
It’s something only you can decide.
July 5, 2009
A weekend of celebration my sunbeam turned 2 years Friday! Fireworks, gifts and ice cream. Her days were perfect! How precious she is these days. Tender hugs, gently “I love you” is spoken from the lips of the closest thing on earth to an angel. Big hugs and get you giggles fill our house. Pitter patter across the floor, she prefers bare feet to socks and shoes. She is truly a gift from God. I do all I can for her happiness. That includes as it must pursuing my own happiness.
As I put down these words I’ve been going through some of my older journals. For 11 years I’ve been in love with V. Longing for something I had to earn to get. I’ve lost sight of who I am, where I want to go with my life. There have been so many ups and downs these many years, the only constant has been that I’ve faithfully loved him as a lover and he’s faithfully loved me as a friend.
What a twisted web I wove! All about my head for all these years have been visions of us sitting on a porch swing, white hair blowing in the wind on a rainy fall day. Misleading it was, expectant of that which never was meant to be. Praying, and the universe did answer my prayers, but alas be careful what you wish for.
Perhaps he and I would have been better off had we chosen different paths? Hard to say, too late now to speculate. Can only continue to move forward striving for inner peace. In order to be the best mommy I can be; I’ve got to be the best me I can be first.
I believe that means accepting the inevitable. He’s fed up and will perhaps be moving on soon in life. We certainly gave it a good go! But sometimes that’s what it takes to be friends once the waters have been muddled with all the other shit that comes from 9 years of living together. 9 years! WOW! Yep, it’ll be 9 years this November. Hard to believe how much we’ve each grown together as people and grown apart in our hearts.
July 6, 2009
Wow. Well I suppose there is a time and a place for everything. We spent several hours talking tonight of how it’s supposed to be. Me and my independence so that I can feel like I’ve got somewhere in life and how that will provide me the emotional stability I’ve been looking for. Dead on. He’s right, it wasn’t supposed to be like this. The idea has always been neighboring houses so that we could be individuals and still be there for Nikki. It’s what I want and him too. My goals are aimed at getting me there.
Anyways, I spent the last 4 hours putting together Volume 2000 Journey into Love and ironically it’s all about me falling into love with him. Even in the pages 9 years old (to the day!) I profess a devotion to his heart that he maintains he doesn’t feel, doesn’t want to feel, and probably never would feel. Maintaining even then, we are friends. I am appreciative of the emotions I felt back then as part of the journey I’ve been on to further explore myself, my heart, my gifts, and my purpose.
Truthfully it was rather disgusting to me though. How I gushed over him and allowed myself to confuse friendship with something more. I lost my sense of individuality 9 years ago to him and over 20 years ago to circumstances of life. Don’t get me wrong, thank God I met him and was so compelled to be that person to him because I am proud of the woman I’ve become today as a result of the friendship perceived relationship I clung to.
But oh! To not be identified by my obsessive need to have a man in my life! To feel comfortable just being Rikka and get to know who Rikka is. What makes me happy? What does Rikka want from life?
I can be anything I want to be. If I just put my mind to it, the world is mine to run amuck in! I want to be an individual, successful and self sustaining. I want to the financial freedom to go the places I want to go, buy the things I want to buy, donate to a good cause when the urge so strikes me, and the confidence that comes from knowing I did it on my own. I deserve that from myself for once.
How can I be most effective as a mother if I’ve not been able to make my way on my own throughout life always clinging to a man for my identity and self worth? Naturally because of some of the things I went through I have had some identity issues, but for how long shall one continue to let them go on?
I’ve been writing for years calling for others to jump forward on faith that they could do it, all the time ignoring that it was myself I was talking to. Even when Pastor l proclaimed that to be true and I conceded that it “could be true” I’ve denied there was any validity in the statement. HA! I guess I should do the inner child exercise Pastor l told me to do. There’s not gonna be a better time than now to start getting in touch with all sides of me.
Again, how un-coincidently he should call as I’m putting together that particular portion of my collections. I’ve not looked to those pages and read them for 9 years. I assure you, I was in such a hurry to move onto the next page of life that I seldom reread my words after the moment for writing them had passed.
Interestingly enough however before I delved into love with V and consumed myself with the emotions I suppose I needed to feel I was on a quest for higher truth. The pages were about questioning things and had insights and philosophies and conversations with my higher power. Musings about our place here as a species. Then suddenly that stopped only to reappear briefly and typically followed by a profession of googly goo school girl fancy about how wonderful V is.
What about how wonderful I am? How amazingly kind hearted and forgiving I have grown to be! I am compassionate, understanding, gregarious, a philanthropist, phenomenally talented with writing and blessed for having a life worth talking about. Well, at the very least Journey into Love is a love story.
I think Evolution should be my love story about falling in love with myself.
©©©©©©
July 7, 2009
A friend to speak my soul’s truth. Thank you universe. She said she’s blessed that I wouldn’t let go of her when she was drowning herself just under a month ago. Thankful for I. I saw myself in her despair, but a blink away from that overwhelming sadness monster just waiting on the sidelines to gobble up my hope and feed upon my soul. There but by the Grace of God go we. We can’t leave one another behind lest it be one day us reaching out from behind the wall only to find we’re all alone. You get what you give, give more than you get.
Peace. I feel peace this day after my heart to heart with V. Time to live again. So long our lives have been on hold muddled by the cloudiness of my hopes and desires for that which never was meant to be. Well, perhaps it could’ve been, in another life time. I can’t make someone love me as I desire them to. Why should I want to? I don’t need the acceptance and love of another to gage my self worth. It’s called self worth because it’s about how much am I worth to myself. How valuable is my happiness? Is it worth giving up 12 years of believing in a fantasy only I dreamed that was unreciprocated by the hero in my tales?
Life is a journey, there are many possible destinations. I’m ready to accept that this train is moving on down the line to the next station. True, I don’t know where it’ll be that I’ll end up. I do however know where I will not end up and that gives me strength to break through the walls looming just before me and to keep fighting for the unknowns of tomorrow with faith that I will land exactly where I’m supposed to.
Lonely
In me there is a child longing to be free
Patiently she waits, lonely she waits until I feel safe
In me there is a lover longing to be loved
Patiently she waits, lonely she waits until I feel love is safe
In me there is a woman longing to live
Patiently she waits, lonely she waits until I’m ready to accept her gifts.
Into the darkness of my mind
Lonely my heart dwells
And through the fears of yesteryear
The survivor in me swells
Each day in despair I stayed
Self inflicted hells
I choose today to escape
For I know tomorrow all is meant to be well.
July 8, 2009
It could be too much to bear for someone so weak as I was yesteryear.
To retrace the steps of one’s delving into apparently delusional infatuation could be too much for one to bear. I am risen from the chaos of a manic mind. I am released from the woes of a heart forlorn. Thank goodness I didn’t lose anymore time to that portion of my journey.
So a friend told me about this exercise where you write down daily for 40 days 3 things you want. Says that if I skip a day I must start over for 40 is holy. The number 40 is significant and used often to describe a length of time in the bible. 40 days Christ was in the desert, it rained and poured for 40 days, Moses on the mountain 40 something or other relative to that. Interesting finding that out today because I’ve long wanted to take a sabbatical at age 40. Made it a goal that at 40 I’m in a position in my life to travel and explore my sense of religion.
Religion. Religion Is for those not yet prepared to believe in themselves. - God
An epiphany realized in the clarity of a waking mind stunned into transition. That was the first time I unmistakably heard God. To further explore it I suppose one would have to begin by knowing where they are on their personal spiritual quest. I used to be compelled to convince people they needed to listen to me to understand what I know to be true. Today I accept that folks are each on their own path and though I yearn to assist them and make it easier it’s not my place. Nor do I have time to be that person for them.
By placing myself in the situation room watching over humanity I had intimidated myself (into apathy) with the over whelming weight of saving the world when all along it was imperative only that I slow down, breathe, and write. That’s right, it was as simple all along. I ran to the aide of others trying to keep up with their lives so that I could avoid living mine. Healthy boundaries. Now I’ve got healthy boundaries.
©©©©©
Prayer
Keep thee safest and closest to thy heart a prayer only you are familiar with. Pray in earnest with faith thy deserveth the reality you dare to dream into existence. Allow yourself to wrap your brain around this concept for you have the right to understand this “if you dream it; it will be.”
Metaphysically the universe moves to support your hearts desire. Be careful what you pray for though because it’s a powerful tool. And don’t bother wishing and praying for bad things to happen to others because God doesn’t hear a vengeful, envious heart. And don’t pray for things that you’re responsible for making happen (like quitting smoking, help you lose weight). God can’t make you decide not to eat that 2 am snack or purchase the pack of smokes. He’s not going to strike you down for doing it. That’s your free will.
Strength to overcome those addictions, that’s what you pray for. Addictions can be to people, emotions, and life styles, as well as to experiences, food, work, sex, gambling, substances, and material possessions. It’s important to know how to pray because you truly will be heard. Don’t clutter up the metaphysical world with bullshit and anger and confusion.
Channel your mind and heart towards peaceful resolutions to things that disturb you. For example, I QUIT watching the news several years ago because it was so negative that it angered me and disgusted me. Child porn and pervs, senseless murders, war the list went on and on each day something new I couldn’t imagine humans could do.
What if instead of pretending like it wasn’t there, turning a blind eye to those atrocities I had sent love and hope to the victims through meditation? Could I have lessened their suffering? I believe so.
Take that a step further. What if when we pray and we tune the universe into us we spent that time of prayer in silent meditation giving thanks for our blessings and sending love into the universe? And what if when we want something mundane instead of praying to the ever mystical master of our ENTIRE UNIVERSE we took some of the weight off it’s shoulders and took chare of our reality with action.
Self fulfilling prophecy.
Just think on that Rikka, apply it to your purpose.
Speed
July 14, 2009
Went to a head-shrink last week to get anti anxiety meds. Prescribed me some Zoloft. Seems to be helping with the racing thoughts. Did notice though that I’m more tiered. I don’t like that. Perhaps it’ll pass soon? I let ‘em know that I won’t take them for an extended period of time. I think it’s sometimes necessary to reset our brain after a traumatic event or extended period of stress or depression.
Used to I would have done street drugs but today’s a new day and I’m a new me. Working on creating myself. Changing the way I say things. Even seemingly harmless things like “I’m always 5 minutes late” can be harmful. Now I tell myself I’m always 5 minutes early and not saying anything out loud so that I’m not committed to in in case I slip.
But wait! Is not that an excuses? But that’s my excuses for everything! Don’t commit so if I slip . . . I’m sending to the universe that I will most likely fail. I’m expecting to fail hoping I won’t!
Kudos for Rikka huh? This is a light bulb moment for me. I seem to have them often then it’s lights out nobody’s home at Rikka’s and I end up doing the same ol’ same ol’.
WTF! You just did it again! How ‘bout this time right here right now you claim it. Take control and act on what you know!
Stop saying such negative things about yourself. Have hope and faith that this time, this day, you shine! It’s your choice, it’s your free will, IT IS your destiny.
The Watch Tower . . .
Untitled
Spent some time in prayer today,
Father lift me up
I know there is a better way.
Give me strength to carry on
Fight for justice pray for love.
He sent His messengers to me
Hold tight child thou art the key!
These questions burning rage red hot
Set the stage for that one day long forgotten erased
I hit my knees the tears rolled down
Lord why me? I chose NOT this destiny!
His voice came through the emptiness black
Hold tight child do NOT turn back!
You know your heart you know your soul
You deny your faith you won’t let go.
I raised my voice to Him on high
My Father I fail though I try!
My knees gave weak to my trembling soul
I made a vow I then let go.
But you hadn’t let go. Noticed I said hadn’t? Because to let go you must claim freedom of heart as though it is.
This is the day I have made. I rejoice and am glad in it!
This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine! Won’t life blow it out, NO I’m let it shine let It shine let it shine
Peace comes to those who wait long enough, I’ve waited long enough.
July 17, 2009
I don’t want to write tonight. I don’t know what to write tonight. I must pick up my pen and write tonight lest I forget all that’s going right in life.
Insomnia swells my tongue dilating my pupils. Sleep has escaped my weary mind racing in skepticism of today’s realized dream. All is as it seems. Just remember to breathe. You must write every night when you least want to write. Lest you continue numbly on the same path you’ve chosen thus far in life.
Each is meant to shine on. Pick a path and let your soul sing it’s song. Today IS the day you have made. Through forgiveness you’ve reclaimed your faith.
Stand proud in the face of change sweet child. Each new day brings forth hope anew. Look to the impending storm with fresh eyes as only you know the real you.
I want LOVE! I am lonely here inside my mind. Been lonely a long time. That’s because you chose to create a dream to dwell in. He’s spoken time and time again that you are but a true friend.
What of telling my family he wanted to marry me that Thanksgivings year?
STOP! Quit holding onto blind hope that your love for him will make him love you the same way! You’re drowning your soul in sabotage if you continue to play that same game!
Move on from your place of solace. Look to tomorrow joyously. True today’s twisting and turning but your heart is still yours. Treat it with more respect. To thine own self be true.
Burn
Isolated
Affection hinders me complicates me
Been burnin’ too long
Been lonely too long
Locked into her sorrows
A woman weeps silently
Longing to be needed
Longing to be free
Her tears soothe her ache
While she fights to hold on
The sorrows of today
Have been hers for too long
She prays for peace
Heaven tells her it’s now
She continues to look back
Questioning how
I tell her to live for today
Take her joy back
I will win this battle
I tell her she CAN count on that!
July 20, 2009
I’m at a true cross roads in my life. There are so many people who believe in me and are willing to fight for me to work with them. They believe I’m talented and capable and all I’ve got to do is do it. Just do it.
Why won’t I jump up and down to be standing here again? Because for so long I’ve lacked faith in friends turned foe. Political melodrama of the it crowd hampered my soul and therefore my performance!
No, I don’t blame others for decisions made or still to come as a backlash of my unwillingness to accept accountability for the things in my life.
I am capable. I can do this. I am doing it. It’s a transformation. To hell with yesterday’s sorrow! OH! And self inflicted they were! The reality is if I’d tried harder I would have made it any number of times. There is no such thing as mistakes in the journey of life if one embraces opportunity.
But why won’t I jump up and down then? Don’t I deserve to be successful and have everything my heart desires? Proud of my accomplishments (why have I backed down so many times before from life?)
Ahh…….there you go. Life is about questions. You must listen to your heart to hear the whispering of the root of the question.
Do you want to?
Of course.
Then believe and move on from yesterday’s woes to a day where you aren’t ashamed to be the splendid you you’ve dreamed of for so long.
This is the universe’s song unto you.
You are again standing on the brink of life with both hands raised in the air. The only question pretty lady is ARE YOUR FEET PLANTED FIRMLY ON FAITH?
For you can’t jump (or at least shouldn’t) until you’re sure where you’ll land.
Hmmm. I disagree! Isn’t that what faith’s about? Taking sensible chances because you know it’s right? Not knowing where you’ll end up along the journey but appreciating the path you chose is peace internal?
Ah! BUT if you have true faith then you also have faith in your ability to manifest your reality for where you want to end up therefore it’s never really a question of not knowing where you’ll end up.
Touché! Faith.
One love,
Self
July 31, 2009
Touché indeed! Planning, goal setting success. All deserved indeed. Though not just by me . . . By all.
Why do we settle for less from self than our hearts very desire? Perhaps because there are those of us who’ve chosen to surround ourselves with others who are on a different quest?
If you believe you’re meant to be successful and have spent time pondering why you’re not knowing you’re doing everything right have you considered self?
By self I’m referring to who you choose to invest most of your time with. Friends, family, partners, and yourself. If you’re on a quest for say spiritual enlightenment and financial wealth and those closest to you don’t think you can do it do you continue to associate with the energy vampires because you in your heart don’t believe you deserve those things?
Keep in mind, no matter how positive your mind is, how much faith you have, or how many self help books you read if those closest to you knock you down you’ll not succeed!
You must learn to over come the negativity by choosing a different path. When you walk away in pursuit of your dreams your dreams will flourish.
Think of magnets! A negative and a positive cancel each other out every time. Metaphysically that must be going on too! The negative energy in your life is cancelling out your spark of hope before it ever has a chance to become a flame.
June 2009 Collective Conversations with Self
June 5, 2009
Dear Journal,
I don’t feel as though tonight I need the purpose stated for why I’m keeping text here amongst your pages. I am reflective more upon these days quick to flip my lid, trip on bullshit snap off a piece of my hatred pie. For so long I let me die.
No. Forget that. Fu*k that erase those days! I had to live through the angry hands to live for better days.
Of all the things I’ve learned these years tonight the one for which I give praise is that when I hit my knees the universe comes into save my soul finding me just in time. That if I relax and breathe it’ll all come in it’s time and thus allow my heart to heal. Forgiveness frees my mind. I thank God once again for grace that saved a soul so torn. For forgiveness relief from unspoken things weights proud shoulders down.
I am NOT the savior come for a world in despair! I am NOT on a mountain top ready to halt stormy skies. All things come your humanity is done and will be the destroying of your Mother Earth. Praying expectantly that your God above fix that which you broke. Now my children, look no further more.
Crash!
June 7, 2009
Transcendental Homicide
Transcendental homicide
Rikka let me die inside
Closed her heart soul and mind
Chose instead to run and hide
Rikka let me die inside
Transcendental homicide
Let my mouth bare witness to my soul. Filthy tongue beguiles my soul makes me seem lost un-whole. Dreams and goals, goals and dreams those things are here for me to take. Hope forsakes me because I lost my dream and all that was silenced my voice beneath a scream. Forgot myself lost amidst a lifetime full of loneliness.
Transcendental homicide
Rikka let me die inside
Closed her heart soul and mind
Chose instead to run and hide
Rikka let me die inside
Transcendental homicide
June 8, 2009
All the optimism hope and prayer
Can not save me from my sabotager
She lives in me breathes in me
Breaks me down for all to see
All the tears held back nor cried in pain
Can save me from her soul slain
She seeks me out to breathe me in
I am good she is sin
My demonness resides in me
Breaking me down burying me
I cry out she comes for me
My demoness resides in me
Splintering psyche.
The Tree of Life
June 9, 2009
When you’ve no where else to turn
Turn to me in prayer
I will be waiting, I will be there
When you’ve no where else to go
When your world comes crashing down
Come to me run to me I’ll wait for thee
Together we’ll work it out.
You must stand as tall as a mountain
As strong as the wind seeking silent meditation
Letting the universe flow in
I place my hands to the heavens
“I’m ready give me more”
The universe answers,
“You always were so sure . . .”
June 10, 2009
It’ll all happen in due time pay ye no mind to the stresses of the way.
Pray, have faith, learn to wait.
I don’t want to lose my house. I have been blessed not to lose it so far. I’m certain things will end up exactly as they’re supposed in just the nick of time. Faith? What’s that about? The “have faith part”? The waiting / patience part? My patience wears thin!
Aye! Alas Las but I hear thee!
You barely slow down to breath.
How can you running full speed to nothing know where you’ll end up?
Just do it! If all else has failed what have you to loose?
Just Breathe
June 15, 2009
Don’t Quit
Don’t quit when the tide is swelling
And your courage takes halt
Don’t quit when the storm is coming
And your vessel’s under assault
Don’t quit when the waves start crashing
And your eyes can’t behold land
Don’t quit when your nerves are breaking
Simply reach out for my hand
For the end is near, have no fear
Faith your only recourse.
For when the end appears near there should be no fear
Faith your only course.
Don’t quit when lightening strikes
Scorching trees and burning shrubs
Don’t quit when the thunder breaks
Pray just because
Don’t quit when life’s at it’s worst
For the end is oh so near!
Don’t quit when your heart’s about to burst
For you mustn’t cave to fear
June 16, 2009
Faith. Faith saved my life. Faith that all will be right and we are meant for more. Disappointing is the ways of humanity today. Turning a bind eye to our inequities disguised by democracy’s hypocritical crusade.
Is there no hope for us? What of the happily ever afters of yester years fairy tales? Is it okay to beg for me when all is so dismal here?
The human existence pitters on towards tomorrows unknown stranded still on yesterday’s fears.
The Lord Christ will not come again to save us from our apathy, legarthy, greedy selfishness, and over blown egos. He does not shed his blood for tears repeatedly wept for forgiven condemned sins.
We are alone in our pathetic existence save for ourselves and each other. Unite, stand firm in what you know!
God is love. Patient and kind but unable to turn back the hands of our time here.
June 22, 2009
Think I say! There is no governor on your mind don’t be so weak, speak your mind!
Eloquent, intellectual, studied on the issues at hand in our land. Educate them because the sheep flock to the angry ways of greed. Waiting, patiently waiting for the return of their faith’s seed. Lying in wait praying against fate un-believed in me? Me to whom their children swear for to damn their friends, curse their cars, provide their ends, and stop their wars?
Angry, tired, sickened I am of these savage fools. They play to the word, the world, and one another as though everyone’s a tool.
June 23, 2009
What gives of the give and take hope forsaketh thee? You’ve forgotten the grapes of wrath as handed down my me!
I AM LOVE!
Through love have conquered thy darkest depths through love have made thee sore. Yet still when thoust prayest to me thy soul remains sore?
I understandeth not thy hopelessness thoust refusal to expect good. Forget thy governors on thoust mind when you do good expect good, you should.
But my Lord you argue me of better days to come . . .
Stop. Silence. Be done.
You hear me not in your busy mind confusion has set in. Those better days are here today, you have only to let them begin.
Ask and you shall receive, seek and you will find . . .
Sunset Blues
June 24, 2009
To aspire to be the best me I can be. That’s my driving force for good. For my son and daughters memory smile. So distant a past is prevalent today in my little sunray.
Today is the day I have made. On the brink of life (yet again) with my feet planted firmly on faith that I can fly. Soar.
I hear her call out to me. Inner child speaks to my subconscious beckoning me to embrace her. Allow my heart to live free of yesterdays gone.
Peaceful, watching, guarding. Prepared to dance one more she waits. Have faith she whispers. It’s okay to smile she laughs. When DID you become so serious! Taunting me to relinquish control that we two might live harmoniously.
I watch as she glides by in pink ballet slippers. She is a tree in that summer show of talents. A star she was! Proud to learn and teach. That summer as a tree, I embraced the little dancer in me.
There is so much good out here! One by one we help one another tracking each other down through unnamed good deeds.
There is so much hope for us! One by one unite through love. Our maker waits for us.
When will we embrace hope? When will we remember to smile more? Faith based reality where our aspirations have manifest become utopian society.
Truly, if we all lived as the innocent flower. As beautiful unto ourselves seeking to be self sustaining and proud.
This is my meditation.
This is my song.
Flower
June 29, 2009
Dreamer
They call me a dreamer
My head’s in the clouds
It seems no matter where I wander
Dreamin’ ain’t allowed
I can taste the atmosphere
As my heart ship takes to flight
Lest I forget all my dreams
When they say dreamin’ ain’t all right
Whilst I not to fall away
I plant my feet on my faith
That dreamin’s all I got
And in my dreams my heart is safe
I know tomorrow comes with peace and for this peace I pray.
Lost inside a racing mind my words will find a way.
I know today is the day I have made and for today I’m proud.
For I conquered all their darkness where dreamin’ ain’t allowed.
©©©©©©
June 29, 2009
I am on the brink of something extra ordinary here. Yet again the universe has heard my heart’s desire and raced in to offer comfort, solace. The repetition of my life cycle nearly makes me laugh. Time and time yet again, it’s the same opportunity, but better.
As I learn to overcome despair faster these life changing opportunities come quicker. I do not block my heart to hope nor close my mind on the possibilities.
There are so many opportunities before me. I am abound in the multitude of choices I have. The only question that remains is where do I want to land.
June 30, 2009
The last three days passed once again in a blur. Seems as though to distance myself from the pain of losing a brother of fate I force my mind into a whirl wind of activity.
I fear if I remain here I will grow old and bitter. Melancholy, lethargic, and apathetic to the woes of my soul suffering to breathe of my voice screaming to be heard.
This is my day to shine on in spite of my disappointment come of decisions made. There is hope past this darkness. I see the light of tomorrow caressing the horizons of today.
I stand strong in the face of my adversaries and laugh, “Oh how you don’t know me!” For to truly know the heart of someone one must love in their own self. Must believe in their own goodness.
How many times in how many ways hath I been judged by those speaking to care? Lies!
It is my mastery of fortitude, patience, and perseverance that so intimidates.
Anger rages in a voice beaten clean of hope, strength, and love. Self righteousness echoes in my heart, resounding through forgotten corridors of yester years suffering.
Had I not suffered at the hands of would be saints I’d know not of the ways of my heart.
For it is in the silent embrace of reflection that one knows, understands, and accepts oneself including liabilities and learning to work within parameters.
Judge not lest ye be judged. When was the last time you judged yourself openly, honestly, and by those standards you adhere others to?
Love thine neighbor as thineself. For there but by the grace of God go we. When was the last time you went above and beyond to offer a hand to a stranger without fear their malady would infect you and without self righteous judgment of an expectant heart?
Are you as you say you are? Preaching to others of their inequities readily spinning off at the cuff into delusional anger bitter unto those who love you the most?
Running. You’re running in your anger full speed ahead into despair.
I can see it so clearly which is why I must escape from here. Before I too am old and cold and bitter and afraid to take risks.
One love,
Self
Dear Journal,
I don’t feel as though tonight I need the purpose stated for why I’m keeping text here amongst your pages. I am reflective more upon these days quick to flip my lid, trip on bullshit snap off a piece of my hatred pie. For so long I let me die.
No. Forget that. Fu*k that erase those days! I had to live through the angry hands to live for better days.
Of all the things I’ve learned these years tonight the one for which I give praise is that when I hit my knees the universe comes into save my soul finding me just in time. That if I relax and breathe it’ll all come in it’s time and thus allow my heart to heal. Forgiveness frees my mind. I thank God once again for grace that saved a soul so torn. For forgiveness relief from unspoken things weights proud shoulders down.
I am NOT the savior come for a world in despair! I am NOT on a mountain top ready to halt stormy skies. All things come your humanity is done and will be the destroying of your Mother Earth. Praying expectantly that your God above fix that which you broke. Now my children, look no further more.
Crash!
June 7, 2009
Transcendental Homicide
Transcendental homicide
Rikka let me die inside
Closed her heart soul and mind
Chose instead to run and hide
Rikka let me die inside
Transcendental homicide
Let my mouth bare witness to my soul. Filthy tongue beguiles my soul makes me seem lost un-whole. Dreams and goals, goals and dreams those things are here for me to take. Hope forsakes me because I lost my dream and all that was silenced my voice beneath a scream. Forgot myself lost amidst a lifetime full of loneliness.
Transcendental homicide
Rikka let me die inside
Closed her heart soul and mind
Chose instead to run and hide
Rikka let me die inside
Transcendental homicide
June 8, 2009
All the optimism hope and prayer
Can not save me from my sabotager
She lives in me breathes in me
Breaks me down for all to see
All the tears held back nor cried in pain
Can save me from her soul slain
She seeks me out to breathe me in
I am good she is sin
My demonness resides in me
Breaking me down burying me
I cry out she comes for me
My demoness resides in me
Splintering psyche.
The Tree of Life
June 9, 2009
When you’ve no where else to turn
Turn to me in prayer
I will be waiting, I will be there
When you’ve no where else to go
When your world comes crashing down
Come to me run to me I’ll wait for thee
Together we’ll work it out.
You must stand as tall as a mountain
As strong as the wind seeking silent meditation
Letting the universe flow in
I place my hands to the heavens
“I’m ready give me more”
The universe answers,
“You always were so sure . . .”
June 10, 2009
It’ll all happen in due time pay ye no mind to the stresses of the way.
Pray, have faith, learn to wait.
I don’t want to lose my house. I have been blessed not to lose it so far. I’m certain things will end up exactly as they’re supposed in just the nick of time. Faith? What’s that about? The “have faith part”? The waiting / patience part? My patience wears thin!
Aye! Alas Las but I hear thee!
You barely slow down to breath.
How can you running full speed to nothing know where you’ll end up?
Just do it! If all else has failed what have you to loose?
Just Breathe
June 15, 2009
Don’t Quit
Don’t quit when the tide is swelling
And your courage takes halt
Don’t quit when the storm is coming
And your vessel’s under assault
Don’t quit when the waves start crashing
And your eyes can’t behold land
Don’t quit when your nerves are breaking
Simply reach out for my hand
For the end is near, have no fear
Faith your only recourse.
For when the end appears near there should be no fear
Faith your only course.
Don’t quit when lightening strikes
Scorching trees and burning shrubs
Don’t quit when the thunder breaks
Pray just because
Don’t quit when life’s at it’s worst
For the end is oh so near!
Don’t quit when your heart’s about to burst
For you mustn’t cave to fear
June 16, 2009
Faith. Faith saved my life. Faith that all will be right and we are meant for more. Disappointing is the ways of humanity today. Turning a bind eye to our inequities disguised by democracy’s hypocritical crusade.
Is there no hope for us? What of the happily ever afters of yester years fairy tales? Is it okay to beg for me when all is so dismal here?
The human existence pitters on towards tomorrows unknown stranded still on yesterday’s fears.
The Lord Christ will not come again to save us from our apathy, legarthy, greedy selfishness, and over blown egos. He does not shed his blood for tears repeatedly wept for forgiven condemned sins.
We are alone in our pathetic existence save for ourselves and each other. Unite, stand firm in what you know!
God is love. Patient and kind but unable to turn back the hands of our time here.
June 22, 2009
Think I say! There is no governor on your mind don’t be so weak, speak your mind!
Eloquent, intellectual, studied on the issues at hand in our land. Educate them because the sheep flock to the angry ways of greed. Waiting, patiently waiting for the return of their faith’s seed. Lying in wait praying against fate un-believed in me? Me to whom their children swear for to damn their friends, curse their cars, provide their ends, and stop their wars?
Angry, tired, sickened I am of these savage fools. They play to the word, the world, and one another as though everyone’s a tool.
June 23, 2009
What gives of the give and take hope forsaketh thee? You’ve forgotten the grapes of wrath as handed down my me!
I AM LOVE!
Through love have conquered thy darkest depths through love have made thee sore. Yet still when thoust prayest to me thy soul remains sore?
I understandeth not thy hopelessness thoust refusal to expect good. Forget thy governors on thoust mind when you do good expect good, you should.
But my Lord you argue me of better days to come . . .
Stop. Silence. Be done.
You hear me not in your busy mind confusion has set in. Those better days are here today, you have only to let them begin.
Ask and you shall receive, seek and you will find . . .
Sunset Blues
June 24, 2009
To aspire to be the best me I can be. That’s my driving force for good. For my son and daughters memory smile. So distant a past is prevalent today in my little sunray.
Today is the day I have made. On the brink of life (yet again) with my feet planted firmly on faith that I can fly. Soar.
I hear her call out to me. Inner child speaks to my subconscious beckoning me to embrace her. Allow my heart to live free of yesterdays gone.
Peaceful, watching, guarding. Prepared to dance one more she waits. Have faith she whispers. It’s okay to smile she laughs. When DID you become so serious! Taunting me to relinquish control that we two might live harmoniously.
I watch as she glides by in pink ballet slippers. She is a tree in that summer show of talents. A star she was! Proud to learn and teach. That summer as a tree, I embraced the little dancer in me.
There is so much good out here! One by one we help one another tracking each other down through unnamed good deeds.
There is so much hope for us! One by one unite through love. Our maker waits for us.
When will we embrace hope? When will we remember to smile more? Faith based reality where our aspirations have manifest become utopian society.
Truly, if we all lived as the innocent flower. As beautiful unto ourselves seeking to be self sustaining and proud.
This is my meditation.
This is my song.
Flower
June 29, 2009
Dreamer
They call me a dreamer
My head’s in the clouds
It seems no matter where I wander
Dreamin’ ain’t allowed
I can taste the atmosphere
As my heart ship takes to flight
Lest I forget all my dreams
When they say dreamin’ ain’t all right
Whilst I not to fall away
I plant my feet on my faith
That dreamin’s all I got
And in my dreams my heart is safe
I know tomorrow comes with peace and for this peace I pray.
Lost inside a racing mind my words will find a way.
I know today is the day I have made and for today I’m proud.
For I conquered all their darkness where dreamin’ ain’t allowed.
©©©©©©
June 29, 2009
I am on the brink of something extra ordinary here. Yet again the universe has heard my heart’s desire and raced in to offer comfort, solace. The repetition of my life cycle nearly makes me laugh. Time and time yet again, it’s the same opportunity, but better.
As I learn to overcome despair faster these life changing opportunities come quicker. I do not block my heart to hope nor close my mind on the possibilities.
There are so many opportunities before me. I am abound in the multitude of choices I have. The only question that remains is where do I want to land.
June 30, 2009
The last three days passed once again in a blur. Seems as though to distance myself from the pain of losing a brother of fate I force my mind into a whirl wind of activity.
I fear if I remain here I will grow old and bitter. Melancholy, lethargic, and apathetic to the woes of my soul suffering to breathe of my voice screaming to be heard.
This is my day to shine on in spite of my disappointment come of decisions made. There is hope past this darkness. I see the light of tomorrow caressing the horizons of today.
I stand strong in the face of my adversaries and laugh, “Oh how you don’t know me!” For to truly know the heart of someone one must love in their own self. Must believe in their own goodness.
How many times in how many ways hath I been judged by those speaking to care? Lies!
It is my mastery of fortitude, patience, and perseverance that so intimidates.
Anger rages in a voice beaten clean of hope, strength, and love. Self righteousness echoes in my heart, resounding through forgotten corridors of yester years suffering.
Had I not suffered at the hands of would be saints I’d know not of the ways of my heart.
For it is in the silent embrace of reflection that one knows, understands, and accepts oneself including liabilities and learning to work within parameters.
Judge not lest ye be judged. When was the last time you judged yourself openly, honestly, and by those standards you adhere others to?
Love thine neighbor as thineself. For there but by the grace of God go we. When was the last time you went above and beyond to offer a hand to a stranger without fear their malady would infect you and without self righteous judgment of an expectant heart?
Are you as you say you are? Preaching to others of their inequities readily spinning off at the cuff into delusional anger bitter unto those who love you the most?
Running. You’re running in your anger full speed ahead into despair.
I can see it so clearly which is why I must escape from here. Before I too am old and cold and bitter and afraid to take risks.
One love,
Self
May 2009 Collective Conversations with Self
May 12, 2009
Journaling saved my life. My soul once before sought peace against the odds of we and journaling found set me free.
Journaling save my life! That’s right! Write. So. K? I think they’re right manic depressive rapid cycling with an addictive personality. Anxiety. It’s had it’s hold on me ‘cuz acceptance had been far away. These past few weeks have been flying by. Years have been flying by. Dragging me down ‘cuz acceptance had been far away.
It’s easier to run from it, sure. But I’m not crazy, I’m human searching for a personal truth. Life is about creating myself not finding myself. I have the ability to be whomever I wish to be.
Borderline personality disorder, post traumatic stress disorder. Is it any wonder though? There’s not been much rest for my soul. I am after all human. Gifted with empathy. Often I feel my soul drained from me reaching out to embrace the fallen, hurt, lost. As though fixing them will too fix me.
But am I broken? NO! We are not broken. There is no singularity here. The many parts of you have evolved and are prepared to grow into the woman you have become. So rejoice child! Stand proud vixen! Let your voice be heard Sylvr. For Rikka calls us home to her soul’s house so that we may all come forth as one.
Her impatience had held us down. Running so fast she silenced our voices with wind whipping by.
Pastor L says when I write the messages profound are not for the masses but for I. Profound. Perhaps one day I’ll reread my words and see the err of my ways. Thank you for my patience come this day. I’m blessed to have found it while still so young.
May 13, 2009
Journaling saved my soul. Say it, claim it, affirm it. Choose your words carefully for what you speak / write will most certainly be. Therefore I elect to eloquently speak in tones of blacks and whites not grays for the querying of my mind. I allow the universe to give me what it chooses to bless me with. Life is abundant and full, my cup runneth over.
I saved my soul once before, time to do it again.
I’m serious about the definition of insanity being my motto this year! “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.”
I am whomever I choose to be! Master and Law of Rikkaville.
The frogs here sound truly amazing. They’re music is melodic and enchanting.
Well, their music has relaxed me and I’m detoxing now and yawning from my restfulness so it’s time to catch some zzzzz’s.
May 14, 2009
Journaling save my life. Yesterday at a local water park we met a family from Australia on their way to Switzerland. Tonight we had dinner with them. We sat for several hours discussing the differences in our culture, politics, and family infrastructure. Good times.
So recently I’ve been contemplating some pretty heavy stuff. Feeling much better about my outlook. This past week has been about self exploration. I am therefore I am. If I think it, it will be.
So I resolve to put forth positivity unto the universe so that all forces move into alignment with my destiny. Mania will not control me. I am brave, strong, intelligent, intellectual, and gosh darn it one of the nicest people I know!
Blessed times 10. So much to be grateful for that I don’t know where to begin! This affirmation stuff feels good to do. I have faith it will work. Back to faith.
Live it be it, achieve it. I have survived to arrive back at today.
Behold, it is I! That kid standing on the brink of life with both feet planted firmly on faith and I’ve jumped. Leaped confidently into the unknown.
Unknown? Death is unknown as life is unknown. So why not live as much as possible until the inevitable unknown? What happened to risk taking? I will take risks today. Tomorrow has come now, I have to go.
May 15, 2009
Journaling saved my life. I am a survivor, strong, brave, beautiful. I deserve happiness. I am capable of success. Today is the beginning of tomorrow’s dreams come true. I am blessed and prosperous. I am loved.
I remember watching him from a distance admiring his gracefulness. I could sense his strength. I knew he was the one. How could I have forgotten he pleasure of his breath on my lips? So much time washed away between the nothingness I dwelled in yesterday. Today I reclaim my infatuation of him. I will make him fall in love with me again, if it is the will of the universe.
I miss him not being here at night. Our late night conversations about politics, life, our dreams. Those moments of tender passion I cherish so much. He is to me my prince. That I should be so blessed as to live in bliss beside him once more.
May 16, 2009
Journaling saved my life. I made my vision wall. Complete with motivation dry erase board, a picture of God (the Eagle nebula), affirmations like I am _____ therefore I am. Cute pictures of my sunray and inspiring artwork. Today truly Is the first day of the rest of my life.
Met with Pastor L on Friday. She says I’m on the right track and to keep up the good work.
I’ve enjoyed being “off” this past week. It’s given me a chance to reset my brain. Sunray being home from school was awesome! Spent so many fun filled days together. Ready to rock and roll tomorrow when I wake I will be inspired by my wall.
V will be off for the next two days, it’ll be wonderful to have him here with us.
I am prosperous, I am blessed. I am beautiful.
May 18, 2009
Journaling saved my life.
Last night I finally made my vision board, treasure map, goal memo, personal agenda. It’s much more than a board, it’s a wall. I put up a white board and write out my daily good deeds and what specific thing happened that day that I’m grateful for. Examples? Today I borrowed an umbrella and walked a lady to her car. Things I’m grateful for? I wound up with a free extra cell phone because of a malfunction and have an extra battery. I had a great time at the store waiting for my phone to be switched out. I saw a picture book of the store managers trip with his wife to the Grand Canyon and California. The mood was pleasant in spite of the rainy day. Perhaps it was my good attitude that made it so enjoyable.
Yes, of course it was! Attitude is everything.
“The only real question is how strong is your faith?” - God
If we put our minds to it we can accomplish anything. The universe wants us to be successful and happy. When we are in harmony with the universe our life is a symphony. Each life a unique song where dreams soar and hope is high.
We are meant to be in harmony with one another, the universe, our Earth, and the ourselves.
Remember to face the universe with open arms and palms turned upward to the heavens ready and willing to not just accept good things but also to invite good things.
Have hope. Have faith that your hope is not in vain. Pray. Be willing to accept the universe’s answers. All is all right.
The Silver Lining
May 19, 2009
Journaling saved my life.
May 20, 2009
Journaling save my life, today it’s saving my soul.
I’m digging on my treasure map vision wall! Today I started feeling a little down and thought to my daily affirmations and smiled. Nice. Here are some thoughts for the day from conversations with others.
1) Pray for those I’m bitter towards that they find peace. I will then be released from the underlying resentment cause me undo stress unrealized.
2) (I love this quote!) Let me be the kind of woman that when my feet his the ground in the morning the devil says “Oh NO! She’s up!”
3) And an oldie but goodie, “Judge not lest ye be judged” - God.
Let us not forget that God created us in His diving likeness. We are good and pure not born into sin. It is our free will that makes us “sinners” just as much as it is the laws of generational brainwashing that determine exactly what “sin” is. Mind you this is true, and it is NOT our place to judge one another. That divine right is only to be wielded by the karmatic rules of the universe.
Forgive forget move on. And if you can’t forget then pray.
Folks I’m not saying forget the wrong doings that have caused us pain, I am saying to forget the pain. When we silently harbor pain in our soul’s house we miss out on so much good life has to offer.
We must learn to love again beginning with loving ourselves enough to be free from our bothersome past so that we can look to tomorrow with the wonderful appreciation of a child. Prepared to embark on this amazing journey called life with faith all will be ok, this too shall pass and we ARE each and everyone destined for prosperity.
May 22, 2009
Journaling saved my soul. Today I listened to someone without passing judgment. I am grateful for the song Halo by Beyonce` Knowles. I heard it nearly every time I started up my car. It’s the universe letting me that I’m on the right track. That I’m beautiful and so appreciated.
Slow down it’s telling me. Enjoy the journey and breathe fresh air along the way. Pray. Give thanks and be blessed for this to shall pass and all is okay.
And halting my mind does not dwell in the fears and inhibitions. NO, they weren’t nice to me when I was a kid. However, I am identified by the choices I make not the circumstances of my life.
I do not give in. Lest I fall just short of my dreams / realizations. I do not grow old and cold and bitter. I have found love. And know this truth to be divine: We are meant for so much more than the realities presented to us.
Question things! Philosophies, democracies, hypocrisy. Our questions are the death of greed and ego. Silence and apathy, that my loves are Evil’s seeds.
There isn’t time to wait. We must act now. Change the course of our Earth.
Journaling saved my life. My soul once before sought peace against the odds of we and journaling found set me free.
Journaling save my life! That’s right! Write. So. K? I think they’re right manic depressive rapid cycling with an addictive personality. Anxiety. It’s had it’s hold on me ‘cuz acceptance had been far away. These past few weeks have been flying by. Years have been flying by. Dragging me down ‘cuz acceptance had been far away.
It’s easier to run from it, sure. But I’m not crazy, I’m human searching for a personal truth. Life is about creating myself not finding myself. I have the ability to be whomever I wish to be.
Borderline personality disorder, post traumatic stress disorder. Is it any wonder though? There’s not been much rest for my soul. I am after all human. Gifted with empathy. Often I feel my soul drained from me reaching out to embrace the fallen, hurt, lost. As though fixing them will too fix me.
But am I broken? NO! We are not broken. There is no singularity here. The many parts of you have evolved and are prepared to grow into the woman you have become. So rejoice child! Stand proud vixen! Let your voice be heard Sylvr. For Rikka calls us home to her soul’s house so that we may all come forth as one.
Her impatience had held us down. Running so fast she silenced our voices with wind whipping by.
Pastor L says when I write the messages profound are not for the masses but for I. Profound. Perhaps one day I’ll reread my words and see the err of my ways. Thank you for my patience come this day. I’m blessed to have found it while still so young.
May 13, 2009
Journaling saved my soul. Say it, claim it, affirm it. Choose your words carefully for what you speak / write will most certainly be. Therefore I elect to eloquently speak in tones of blacks and whites not grays for the querying of my mind. I allow the universe to give me what it chooses to bless me with. Life is abundant and full, my cup runneth over.
I saved my soul once before, time to do it again.
I’m serious about the definition of insanity being my motto this year! “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.”
I am whomever I choose to be! Master and Law of Rikkaville.
The frogs here sound truly amazing. They’re music is melodic and enchanting.
Well, their music has relaxed me and I’m detoxing now and yawning from my restfulness so it’s time to catch some zzzzz’s.
May 14, 2009
Journaling save my life. Yesterday at a local water park we met a family from Australia on their way to Switzerland. Tonight we had dinner with them. We sat for several hours discussing the differences in our culture, politics, and family infrastructure. Good times.
So recently I’ve been contemplating some pretty heavy stuff. Feeling much better about my outlook. This past week has been about self exploration. I am therefore I am. If I think it, it will be.
So I resolve to put forth positivity unto the universe so that all forces move into alignment with my destiny. Mania will not control me. I am brave, strong, intelligent, intellectual, and gosh darn it one of the nicest people I know!
Blessed times 10. So much to be grateful for that I don’t know where to begin! This affirmation stuff feels good to do. I have faith it will work. Back to faith.
Live it be it, achieve it. I have survived to arrive back at today.
Behold, it is I! That kid standing on the brink of life with both feet planted firmly on faith and I’ve jumped. Leaped confidently into the unknown.
Unknown? Death is unknown as life is unknown. So why not live as much as possible until the inevitable unknown? What happened to risk taking? I will take risks today. Tomorrow has come now, I have to go.
May 15, 2009
Journaling saved my life. I am a survivor, strong, brave, beautiful. I deserve happiness. I am capable of success. Today is the beginning of tomorrow’s dreams come true. I am blessed and prosperous. I am loved.
I remember watching him from a distance admiring his gracefulness. I could sense his strength. I knew he was the one. How could I have forgotten he pleasure of his breath on my lips? So much time washed away between the nothingness I dwelled in yesterday. Today I reclaim my infatuation of him. I will make him fall in love with me again, if it is the will of the universe.
I miss him not being here at night. Our late night conversations about politics, life, our dreams. Those moments of tender passion I cherish so much. He is to me my prince. That I should be so blessed as to live in bliss beside him once more.
May 16, 2009
Journaling saved my life. I made my vision wall. Complete with motivation dry erase board, a picture of God (the Eagle nebula), affirmations like I am _____ therefore I am. Cute pictures of my sunray and inspiring artwork. Today truly Is the first day of the rest of my life.
Met with Pastor L on Friday. She says I’m on the right track and to keep up the good work.
I’ve enjoyed being “off” this past week. It’s given me a chance to reset my brain. Sunray being home from school was awesome! Spent so many fun filled days together. Ready to rock and roll tomorrow when I wake I will be inspired by my wall.
V will be off for the next two days, it’ll be wonderful to have him here with us.
I am prosperous, I am blessed. I am beautiful.
May 18, 2009
Journaling saved my life.
Last night I finally made my vision board, treasure map, goal memo, personal agenda. It’s much more than a board, it’s a wall. I put up a white board and write out my daily good deeds and what specific thing happened that day that I’m grateful for. Examples? Today I borrowed an umbrella and walked a lady to her car. Things I’m grateful for? I wound up with a free extra cell phone because of a malfunction and have an extra battery. I had a great time at the store waiting for my phone to be switched out. I saw a picture book of the store managers trip with his wife to the Grand Canyon and California. The mood was pleasant in spite of the rainy day. Perhaps it was my good attitude that made it so enjoyable.
Yes, of course it was! Attitude is everything.
“The only real question is how strong is your faith?” - God
If we put our minds to it we can accomplish anything. The universe wants us to be successful and happy. When we are in harmony with the universe our life is a symphony. Each life a unique song where dreams soar and hope is high.
We are meant to be in harmony with one another, the universe, our Earth, and the ourselves.
Remember to face the universe with open arms and palms turned upward to the heavens ready and willing to not just accept good things but also to invite good things.
Have hope. Have faith that your hope is not in vain. Pray. Be willing to accept the universe’s answers. All is all right.
The Silver Lining
May 19, 2009
Journaling saved my life.
May 20, 2009
Journaling save my life, today it’s saving my soul.
I’m digging on my treasure map vision wall! Today I started feeling a little down and thought to my daily affirmations and smiled. Nice. Here are some thoughts for the day from conversations with others.
1) Pray for those I’m bitter towards that they find peace. I will then be released from the underlying resentment cause me undo stress unrealized.
2) (I love this quote!) Let me be the kind of woman that when my feet his the ground in the morning the devil says “Oh NO! She’s up!”
3) And an oldie but goodie, “Judge not lest ye be judged” - God.
Let us not forget that God created us in His diving likeness. We are good and pure not born into sin. It is our free will that makes us “sinners” just as much as it is the laws of generational brainwashing that determine exactly what “sin” is. Mind you this is true, and it is NOT our place to judge one another. That divine right is only to be wielded by the karmatic rules of the universe.
Forgive forget move on. And if you can’t forget then pray.
Folks I’m not saying forget the wrong doings that have caused us pain, I am saying to forget the pain. When we silently harbor pain in our soul’s house we miss out on so much good life has to offer.
We must learn to love again beginning with loving ourselves enough to be free from our bothersome past so that we can look to tomorrow with the wonderful appreciation of a child. Prepared to embark on this amazing journey called life with faith all will be ok, this too shall pass and we ARE each and everyone destined for prosperity.
May 22, 2009
Journaling saved my soul. Today I listened to someone without passing judgment. I am grateful for the song Halo by Beyonce` Knowles. I heard it nearly every time I started up my car. It’s the universe letting me that I’m on the right track. That I’m beautiful and so appreciated.
Slow down it’s telling me. Enjoy the journey and breathe fresh air along the way. Pray. Give thanks and be blessed for this to shall pass and all is okay.
And halting my mind does not dwell in the fears and inhibitions. NO, they weren’t nice to me when I was a kid. However, I am identified by the choices I make not the circumstances of my life.
I do not give in. Lest I fall just short of my dreams / realizations. I do not grow old and cold and bitter. I have found love. And know this truth to be divine: We are meant for so much more than the realities presented to us.
Question things! Philosophies, democracies, hypocrisy. Our questions are the death of greed and ego. Silence and apathy, that my loves are Evil’s seeds.
There isn’t time to wait. We must act now. Change the course of our Earth.
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