July 2009 Collective Conversations with Self

July 4, 2009

No. I’m not doing everything I could. Why? What is it that’s blocking me from even bothering to try to get along with V which would bring me so much joy?

Pastor l said to look to self forgiveness if you were blocking something good that you wanted to happen. Can I learn to forgive him for the things he says? Can I learn to forgive myself for being cold and callous or flighty towards him, towards life. Do I want to?

Ah. There is the root of your question! “Do I want to?” Well do you? Or have you become by choose that which you C-L-A-I-M to so detest?



Reaching
Reaching for the stars
In hopes of landing on the moon
Well then you expect
You won’t reach the stars soon
To offer into existence
A dream you plan to reach for
You must learn to silence doubt
And learn to truly be sure

Hmmm. To truly be sure
I’d have to let go.
Allow my hear to cry
Accept the healing of my soul.

YES! And for a former master of faith
You must allow the universe to replace
The woes of yesteryear
Weigh heavy on your mind
Learn to let go
And all will be fine.

Why won’t I let go!!!!????

Umm. See the root of the question,
It’s something only you can decide.

July 5, 2009

A weekend of celebration my sunbeam turned 2 years Friday! Fireworks, gifts and ice cream. Her days were perfect! How precious she is these days. Tender hugs, gently “I love you” is spoken from the lips of the closest thing on earth to an angel. Big hugs and get you giggles fill our house. Pitter patter across the floor, she prefers bare feet to socks and shoes. She is truly a gift from God. I do all I can for her happiness. That includes as it must pursuing my own happiness.
As I put down these words I’ve been going through some of my older journals. For 11 years I’ve been in love with V. Longing for something I had to earn to get. I’ve lost sight of who I am, where I want to go with my life. There have been so many ups and downs these many years, the only constant has been that I’ve faithfully loved him as a lover and he’s faithfully loved me as a friend.

What a twisted web I wove! All about my head for all these years have been visions of us sitting on a porch swing, white hair blowing in the wind on a rainy fall day. Misleading it was, expectant of that which never was meant to be. Praying, and the universe did answer my prayers, but alas be careful what you wish for.

Perhaps he and I would have been better off had we chosen different paths? Hard to say, too late now to speculate. Can only continue to move forward striving for inner peace. In order to be the best mommy I can be; I’ve got to be the best me I can be first.

I believe that means accepting the inevitable. He’s fed up and will perhaps be moving on soon in life. We certainly gave it a good go! But sometimes that’s what it takes to be friends once the waters have been muddled with all the other shit that comes from 9 years of living together. 9 years! WOW! Yep, it’ll be 9 years this November. Hard to believe how much we’ve each grown together as people and grown apart in our hearts.

July 6, 2009

Wow. Well I suppose there is a time and a place for everything. We spent several hours talking tonight of how it’s supposed to be. Me and my independence so that I can feel like I’ve got somewhere in life and how that will provide me the emotional stability I’ve been looking for. Dead on. He’s right, it wasn’t supposed to be like this. The idea has always been neighboring houses so that we could be individuals and still be there for Nikki. It’s what I want and him too. My goals are aimed at getting me there.
Anyways, I spent the last 4 hours putting together Volume 2000 Journey into Love and ironically it’s all about me falling into love with him. Even in the pages 9 years old (to the day!) I profess a devotion to his heart that he maintains he doesn’t feel, doesn’t want to feel, and probably never would feel. Maintaining even then, we are friends. I am appreciative of the emotions I felt back then as part of the journey I’ve been on to further explore myself, my heart, my gifts, and my purpose.

Truthfully it was rather disgusting to me though. How I gushed over him and allowed myself to confuse friendship with something more. I lost my sense of individuality 9 years ago to him and over 20 years ago to circumstances of life. Don’t get me wrong, thank God I met him and was so compelled to be that person to him because I am proud of the woman I’ve become today as a result of the friendship perceived relationship I clung to.

But oh! To not be identified by my obsessive need to have a man in my life! To feel comfortable just being Rikka and get to know who Rikka is. What makes me happy? What does Rikka want from life?

I can be anything I want to be. If I just put my mind to it, the world is mine to run amuck in! I want to be an individual, successful and self sustaining. I want to the financial freedom to go the places I want to go, buy the things I want to buy, donate to a good cause when the urge so strikes me, and the confidence that comes from knowing I did it on my own. I deserve that from myself for once.

How can I be most effective as a mother if I’ve not been able to make my way on my own throughout life always clinging to a man for my identity and self worth? Naturally because of some of the things I went through I have had some identity issues, but for how long shall one continue to let them go on?

I’ve been writing for years calling for others to jump forward on faith that they could do it, all the time ignoring that it was myself I was talking to. Even when Pastor l proclaimed that to be true and I conceded that it “could be true” I’ve denied there was any validity in the statement. HA! I guess I should do the inner child exercise Pastor l told me to do. There’s not gonna be a better time than now to start getting in touch with all sides of me.

Again, how un-coincidently he should call as I’m putting together that particular portion of my collections. I’ve not looked to those pages and read them for 9 years. I assure you, I was in such a hurry to move onto the next page of life that I seldom reread my words after the moment for writing them had passed.

Interestingly enough however before I delved into love with V and consumed myself with the emotions I suppose I needed to feel I was on a quest for higher truth. The pages were about questioning things and had insights and philosophies and conversations with my higher power. Musings about our place here as a species. Then suddenly that stopped only to reappear briefly and typically followed by a profession of googly goo school girl fancy about how wonderful V is.

What about how wonderful I am? How amazingly kind hearted and forgiving I have grown to be! I am compassionate, understanding, gregarious, a philanthropist, phenomenally talented with writing and blessed for having a life worth talking about. Well, at the very least Journey into Love is a love story.

I think Evolution should be my love story about falling in love with myself.

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July 7, 2009

A friend to speak my soul’s truth. Thank you universe. She said she’s blessed that I wouldn’t let go of her when she was drowning herself just under a month ago. Thankful for I. I saw myself in her despair, but a blink away from that overwhelming sadness monster just waiting on the sidelines to gobble up my hope and feed upon my soul. There but by the Grace of God go we. We can’t leave one another behind lest it be one day us reaching out from behind the wall only to find we’re all alone. You get what you give, give more than you get.

Peace. I feel peace this day after my heart to heart with V. Time to live again. So long our lives have been on hold muddled by the cloudiness of my hopes and desires for that which never was meant to be. Well, perhaps it could’ve been, in another life time. I can’t make someone love me as I desire them to. Why should I want to? I don’t need the acceptance and love of another to gage my self worth. It’s called self worth because it’s about how much am I worth to myself. How valuable is my happiness? Is it worth giving up 12 years of believing in a fantasy only I dreamed that was unreciprocated by the hero in my tales?

Life is a journey, there are many possible destinations. I’m ready to accept that this train is moving on down the line to the next station. True, I don’t know where it’ll be that I’ll end up. I do however know where I will not end up and that gives me strength to break through the walls looming just before me and to keep fighting for the unknowns of tomorrow with faith that I will land exactly where I’m supposed to.
Lonely
In me there is a child longing to be free
Patiently she waits, lonely she waits until I feel safe
In me there is a lover longing to be loved
Patiently she waits, lonely she waits until I feel love is safe
In me there is a woman longing to live
Patiently she waits, lonely she waits until I’m ready to accept her gifts.

Into the darkness of my mind
Lonely my heart dwells
And through the fears of yesteryear
The survivor in me swells
Each day in despair I stayed
Self inflicted hells
I choose today to escape
For I know tomorrow all is meant to be well.

July 8, 2009

It could be too much to bear for someone so weak as I was yesteryear.
To retrace the steps of one’s delving into apparently delusional infatuation could be too much for one to bear. I am risen from the chaos of a manic mind. I am released from the woes of a heart forlorn. Thank goodness I didn’t lose anymore time to that portion of my journey.

So a friend told me about this exercise where you write down daily for 40 days 3 things you want. Says that if I skip a day I must start over for 40 is holy. The number 40 is significant and used often to describe a length of time in the bible. 40 days Christ was in the desert, it rained and poured for 40 days, Moses on the mountain 40 something or other relative to that. Interesting finding that out today because I’ve long wanted to take a sabbatical at age 40. Made it a goal that at 40 I’m in a position in my life to travel and explore my sense of religion.

Religion. Religion Is for those not yet prepared to believe in themselves. - God

An epiphany realized in the clarity of a waking mind stunned into transition. That was the first time I unmistakably heard God. To further explore it I suppose one would have to begin by knowing where they are on their personal spiritual quest. I used to be compelled to convince people they needed to listen to me to understand what I know to be true. Today I accept that folks are each on their own path and though I yearn to assist them and make it easier it’s not my place. Nor do I have time to be that person for them.

By placing myself in the situation room watching over humanity I had intimidated myself (into apathy) with the over whelming weight of saving the world when all along it was imperative only that I slow down, breathe, and write. That’s right, it was as simple all along. I ran to the aide of others trying to keep up with their lives so that I could avoid living mine. Healthy boundaries. Now I’ve got healthy boundaries.

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Prayer
Keep thee safest and closest to thy heart a prayer only you are familiar with. Pray in earnest with faith thy deserveth the reality you dare to dream into existence. Allow yourself to wrap your brain around this concept for you have the right to understand this “if you dream it; it will be.”

Metaphysically the universe moves to support your hearts desire. Be careful what you pray for though because it’s a powerful tool. And don’t bother wishing and praying for bad things to happen to others because God doesn’t hear a vengeful, envious heart. And don’t pray for things that you’re responsible for making happen (like quitting smoking, help you lose weight). God can’t make you decide not to eat that 2 am snack or purchase the pack of smokes. He’s not going to strike you down for doing it. That’s your free will.

Strength to overcome those addictions, that’s what you pray for. Addictions can be to people, emotions, and life styles, as well as to experiences, food, work, sex, gambling, substances, and material possessions. It’s important to know how to pray because you truly will be heard. Don’t clutter up the metaphysical world with bullshit and anger and confusion.

Channel your mind and heart towards peaceful resolutions to things that disturb you. For example, I QUIT watching the news several years ago because it was so negative that it angered me and disgusted me. Child porn and pervs, senseless murders, war the list went on and on each day something new I couldn’t imagine humans could do.

What if instead of pretending like it wasn’t there, turning a blind eye to those atrocities I had sent love and hope to the victims through meditation? Could I have lessened their suffering? I believe so.

Take that a step further. What if when we pray and we tune the universe into us we spent that time of prayer in silent meditation giving thanks for our blessings and sending love into the universe? And what if when we want something mundane instead of praying to the ever mystical master of our ENTIRE UNIVERSE we took some of the weight off it’s shoulders and took chare of our reality with action.

Self fulfilling prophecy.

Just think on that Rikka, apply it to your purpose.


Speed


July 14, 2009

Went to a head-shrink last week to get anti anxiety meds. Prescribed me some Zoloft. Seems to be helping with the racing thoughts. Did notice though that I’m more tiered. I don’t like that. Perhaps it’ll pass soon? I let ‘em know that I won’t take them for an extended period of time. I think it’s sometimes necessary to reset our brain after a traumatic event or extended period of stress or depression.

Used to I would have done street drugs but today’s a new day and I’m a new me. Working on creating myself. Changing the way I say things. Even seemingly harmless things like “I’m always 5 minutes late” can be harmful. Now I tell myself I’m always 5 minutes early and not saying anything out loud so that I’m not committed to in in case I slip.

But wait! Is not that an excuses? But that’s my excuses for everything! Don’t commit so if I slip . . . I’m sending to the universe that I will most likely fail. I’m expecting to fail hoping I won’t!

Kudos for Rikka huh? This is a light bulb moment for me. I seem to have them often then it’s lights out nobody’s home at Rikka’s and I end up doing the same ol’ same ol’.

WTF! You just did it again! How ‘bout this time right here right now you claim it. Take control and act on what you know!

Stop saying such negative things about yourself. Have hope and faith that this time, this day, you shine! It’s your choice, it’s your free will, IT IS your destiny.




The Watch Tower . . .


Untitled
Spent some time in prayer today,
Father lift me up
I know there is a better way.
Give me strength to carry on
Fight for justice pray for love.

He sent His messengers to me
Hold tight child thou art the key!
These questions burning rage red hot
Set the stage for that one day long forgotten erased

I hit my knees the tears rolled down
Lord why me? I chose NOT this destiny!

His voice came through the emptiness black
Hold tight child do NOT turn back!
You know your heart you know your soul
You deny your faith you won’t let go.

I raised my voice to Him on high
My Father I fail though I try!
My knees gave weak to my trembling soul
I made a vow I then let go.

But you hadn’t let go. Noticed I said hadn’t? Because to let go you must claim freedom of heart as though it is.

This is the day I have made. I rejoice and am glad in it!

This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine! Won’t life blow it out, NO I’m let it shine let It shine let it shine

Peace comes to those who wait long enough, I’ve waited long enough.

July 17, 2009

I don’t want to write tonight. I don’t know what to write tonight. I must pick up my pen and write tonight lest I forget all that’s going right in life.

Insomnia swells my tongue dilating my pupils. Sleep has escaped my weary mind racing in skepticism of today’s realized dream. All is as it seems. Just remember to breathe. You must write every night when you least want to write. Lest you continue numbly on the same path you’ve chosen thus far in life.

Each is meant to shine on. Pick a path and let your soul sing it’s song. Today IS the day you have made. Through forgiveness you’ve reclaimed your faith.

Stand proud in the face of change sweet child. Each new day brings forth hope anew. Look to the impending storm with fresh eyes as only you know the real you.

I want LOVE! I am lonely here inside my mind. Been lonely a long time. That’s because you chose to create a dream to dwell in. He’s spoken time and time again that you are but a true friend.

What of telling my family he wanted to marry me that Thanksgivings year?

STOP! Quit holding onto blind hope that your love for him will make him love you the same way! You’re drowning your soul in sabotage if you continue to play that same game!

Move on from your place of solace. Look to tomorrow joyously. True today’s twisting and turning but your heart is still yours. Treat it with more respect. To thine own self be true.



Burn
Isolated
Affection hinders me complicates me
Been burnin’ too long
Been lonely too long

Locked into her sorrows
A woman weeps silently
Longing to be needed
Longing to be free

Her tears soothe her ache
While she fights to hold on
The sorrows of today
Have been hers for too long

She prays for peace
Heaven tells her it’s now
She continues to look back
Questioning how

I tell her to live for today
Take her joy back
I will win this battle
I tell her she CAN count on that!

July 20, 2009


I’m at a true cross roads in my life. There are so many people who believe in me and are willing to fight for me to work with them. They believe I’m talented and capable and all I’ve got to do is do it. Just do it.

Why won’t I jump up and down to be standing here again? Because for so long I’ve lacked faith in friends turned foe. Political melodrama of the it crowd hampered my soul and therefore my performance!
No, I don’t blame others for decisions made or still to come as a backlash of my unwillingness to accept accountability for the things in my life.

I am capable. I can do this. I am doing it. It’s a transformation. To hell with yesterday’s sorrow! OH! And self inflicted they were! The reality is if I’d tried harder I would have made it any number of times. There is no such thing as mistakes in the journey of life if one embraces opportunity.

But why won’t I jump up and down then? Don’t I deserve to be successful and have everything my heart desires? Proud of my accomplishments (why have I backed down so many times before from life?)

Ahh…….there you go. Life is about questions. You must listen to your heart to hear the whispering of the root of the question.

Do you want to?

Of course.

Then believe and move on from yesterday’s woes to a day where you aren’t ashamed to be the splendid you you’ve dreamed of for so long.

This is the universe’s song unto you.

You are again standing on the brink of life with both hands raised in the air. The only question pretty lady is ARE YOUR FEET PLANTED FIRMLY ON FAITH?

For you can’t jump (or at least shouldn’t) until you’re sure where you’ll land.

Hmmm. I disagree! Isn’t that what faith’s about? Taking sensible chances because you know it’s right? Not knowing where you’ll end up along the journey but appreciating the path you chose is peace internal?

Ah! BUT if you have true faith then you also have faith in your ability to manifest your reality for where you want to end up therefore it’s never really a question of not knowing where you’ll end up.

Touché! Faith.

One love,
Self

July 31, 2009

Touché indeed! Planning, goal setting success. All deserved indeed. Though not just by me . . . By all.

Why do we settle for less from self than our hearts very desire? Perhaps because there are those of us who’ve chosen to surround ourselves with others who are on a different quest?

If you believe you’re meant to be successful and have spent time pondering why you’re not knowing you’re doing everything right have you considered self?

By self I’m referring to who you choose to invest most of your time with. Friends, family, partners, and yourself. If you’re on a quest for say spiritual enlightenment and financial wealth and those closest to you don’t think you can do it do you continue to associate with the energy vampires because you in your heart don’t believe you deserve those things?

Keep in mind, no matter how positive your mind is, how much faith you have, or how many self help books you read if those closest to you knock you down you’ll not succeed!

You must learn to over come the negativity by choosing a different path. When you walk away in pursuit of your dreams your dreams will flourish.

Think of magnets! A negative and a positive cancel each other out every time. Metaphysically that must be going on too! The negative energy in your life is cancelling out your spark of hope before it ever has a chance to become a flame.