September 2009 Collective Conversations with Self

September 1, 2009

For Mom:

When considering condemnation of another so consider twisted plots.

What if the roles had been reversed?

Ah! But alas they were! And though my feet journeyed her treacherous path in my darkest depth I have never been her.

Hmm. Perhaps recollection is made kinder by your timid portrayal of self?

Weren’t it not so long as a lifetime less that you were such a mess? Indulgent, deceitful, conniving? Sanctified in your own self righteousness?

Yes.

Then what gives one the right of self betrayal to condemn another for their self portrayal?

Careful. Proceed with caution lest you alienate those two young souls you wish to set free.

Do not place thyself on judgment’s pulpit. Ye are but a passenger in her life’s ride she alone must live it.

September 2, 2009

Breath of Night
Silhouetted against a midnight canopy drifts a cat sideways with rainbow eyes brilliantly reflecting a distant sun’s ray.

Playful grasshoppers flirt musically in the lush green oasis.

Gently the breeze blows the leaves of the of the proud palm. Descending gracefully in memory of yesterdays gone while ever reaching upward with new hope.

Hush. Shhh. Barely. There you hear that? Just above a whisper a baby bird speaks. As if not to disturb this quiet night’s peace.

September 3, 2009

Today I spoke to the lover of an old friend. Taking the words from his mind that bad been on his heart burned in his soul. Yet apprehensively explained, “God spoke to me at church on Sunday standing in the pews taking in the choir just as the solo began and he demanded that I tell you He’s tired of waiting, you belong to Him and the time is now.”

Pause. Awaits my not so surprised reaction. None comes so continues typical of those explaining (with discrimination in case the hearer be offend laughing at such ludicrously). Just such an experience.

“I know” responded I aware of the stillness of my racing heart. “He tells me the same thing.”

Has been telling me so long quit running fighting depriving myself all that is meant to be. All will be okay forever as all is okay today.

I’ve heard His blessings whispered to me on the lips of my son. Felt His love embracing me in the hug of every child.

Once a courting jester spoke to me calling me Alpha Omni. Explained, “children smile at you knowingly because they know of your destiny.”

Appreciate thyself child. Ye are blessed 10,000 times preserved for a cause! Allow peace to remain in you and in peace will be the world’s.

I am but a messenger tossed, dropped from Heaven flailing like a fish at sea . . .

I do not have to be! How many times have I been told in how many ways have known?

Live with passion, abundant in prosperity free of things that no longer plague thee. Allow the rhapsody to wash you clean! You are child what a child dreamed.

Have purpose. Stand tall against the winds of change for sanctity of self thoust must begin to rearrange.

Be prepared to receive thy blessings bestowed unto thee!

I waited so long Lord crippled by bended knee. Survivor inside of victim screaming to be free.

Wait no more! Today is yours. Dream your life to be. Rise above claimed confusion. Enjoy these days with thee.

Listen to the night’s song remember who you are meditate with your brother wind search midnight skies for wishing stars. Know when you come to me I was here all along Heaven waits patiently while you dance your soul’s song.

Ask an you shall receive, seek and you will find. Follow the tuggling of your heart long ago ignored.

©©©©©©

A child approaches the altar weeping women holding hands. Just seconds ago risen she was by a silent demand. She’d known the moment to be vital in her mind burned the scene lest she discredit herself that was just a dream”.

Heads in pews turned as a standing flower began to move. Baby steps forward she knew she had to choose.

God had told her rise go forth and come home to me. She knew in that moment that LOVE would set her free.

The wood was comfortably hard as she knelt to bended knee moving slowly taking in the LOVE allowing her soul to see.

Tears began slowly just a trickle down her face in her third eye she ascended home form that place. Her heart overflowed with warmth then broke with sadness’ pain. For in an instance in the moment God held her soul again.

He whispered to her waiting ear a thought processed long to be. The child somehow knew she’d forget until she was willing to full fill her destiny.

Oh! But I’m grandiose! God doesn’t need me! Why am I so special, what’s He see in me?

Ah! And there began your fleeing each time all these years! Do not silence your soul’s will You have not cause to fear.

You ARE meant to spread the light of hope gifted as you were! Don’t forget all along it was YOU who was so sure!

Appreciate thyself! Live, laugh, love! Smile for no reason. Cry just because.

Allow your heart to feel emotion quit running as you did. Believe in miracles. For you have so many left to live.

You knew child.

All along I knew.

You had to live the life you did. It was yours to choose.

An angel’s soul with wondering eyes takes the first breath of life . . .

God begins the ground work all she must do is write.

Wisdom is the greatest gift I have to be thankful for.

I open my arms to heaven ready as I’ve never been before.

God spoke to an old friend’s lover and said he’s tired of waiting on me.

I smile to the Heavens, “thanks for waiting on me, I‘m ready to fulfill my destiny.”

September 4, 2009

Humility is a prerequisite to greatness. (some ancient Indian Buddhist monk)


September 5, 2009

Sweet serenade of a lover’s heart sings softly of intimacy expanding the glow of hope as radiates from one in love.

She had been used, abused, forgotten and neglected isolated herself pushing her passion and desire deep away into the long ago locked recesses of a lonely woman’s mind.

A distant angel of memory speaks of being calm on stormy nights of holding one another close inside the eye of the story where only in love will they remain safe.

So many years come and gone through tears and so much pain. Shattered her heart remains cautious she can not bear to be broken again.

But to feel loved! To know of another so committed and willing to embrace her in her despair? Would she be willing to let go one last time in hopes of finding one to really care?

Was the risk worth the fall into love’s darkest depths where on is only saved by the kiss from the lips of one true love to whom she has not been enslaved?

She prays to heaven for hope anew gives thanks in her heart when thanks are due. She takes up her pen as she lies down her head lonely tonight as she’s so long been.

Of what wonders does her heart dream! But cautious, she remembers seldom is love as true love would seem.

September 6, 2009

Be calm! You mustn’t make moves until your heart is prepared for THAT venture I tell her as she sits on the hood of her car by the full moon’s light.

Patience, a virtue of saints. A skill aquired only as one waits with faith knowing beyond all uncertainty they alone are responsible for the fulfillment of fate. Do not thrust yourself into emotions not underestimated! For it is come today the day the universe calls to she having patiently waited.

My soul sang sadness’ song, my heart has wandered in love living alone. My eyes have beheld the falling down of what happens to Rikka when love’s around.

Proceed with caution young one so wise. You must stay true to the course under loneliness’ guise. For don’t seek to replace a loss perceived that never was! Continue steadfastly forward just because . . .

September 7, 2009

Catch a smooth flow breath chill relax. An awesome day was had. Smile forced but kept silently fighting droopy lips. Tried again to help a friend, lost gone astray. Tracker her down spoke to her then had to drive away. Healthy boundaries I employ will keep bullshit away! I am living better days and better days will stay.

I must confess thought I became emotional, angry when her deception not of self but to those who cared became evident. Isolated in her lies I could tell her soul wept.

“But I’m not a bad person” defensively she whined. “Bullshit you’re not! You continue STILL with your lies!”

Depression is a selfish disease taking from all involved. For those who care hurt in worry remembering before it was there. And the depressor chooses time and time again to retreat from reality to a self inflicted manic hell. Leaving hope behind and in confusion dwells.

Aye! But alas I have overcome those days! And while I can bare my heart to others it’s up to them to change. I can see so clearly how I overcame self. Taking control over the sadness making choices for my mental health.

It was empowering to drive away knowing I’d done all I can. At least at the end of her line she’ll know the choices she had. Then off to splish splash land with my sunbeam and a friend. Thankful for good times, productivity, and that’s where my day ends.

©©©©©

I have nothing left to fear in love. I have come to know my heart. And so it is with cautious effort I allow peace to start.

Thinking of you
It’s been so long since I felt loves’ embrace my love. Had tender words spoken to me, praising me, thanking me.

Side by side to distance pain allow the universe to rearrange hopeful in the irony that we too have landed here.

Each mountain I trek to prove myself to another. I will allow my heart to be broken NO MORE!

I am patient. I am kind. I am talented. I am blessed. I am loyal. I am loving. I am one hell of a mother. I am passionately creative. I am both eccentric and wise. O a, free today of yesterday’s me because I embrace my many sides.

I am successful and abundant. Blessed 10,000 times! For in my will to survive I have had 10,000 lives.

September 8, 2009

Realities magnetite sought to crash down on me. Instead of ripping hope to shreds I proved a worthy advesary.

It spoke to me harshly of all I never was then I chose to walk away for things aren’t so just because. Why should one subject themselves to realities apprehensions? When they know in their heart of hearts their road was paved with good intentions?

It’s too late to take back all the hateful things it’s said. Now it’s time to move beyond it’s clouded head. There is no time to heal the soul of love gone afoul. There aren’t enough tears to cry forever even if one’s started right now.

Tomorrow’s tale tells of joy beyond their wildest dreams, but today’s today and tomorrow may not be as it would seem.

©©©©©

I thought I could withstand my hurt, to keep it pushed away not allowing despair to break me down, I sought to run away.

Be BRAVE! You are so strong as I have made you crippled by your mind. You won’t realease your sould from sorrow, only then will peace you find. Rise above the fogginess closing in around your head. Reach your heart to the heavens hear what your Father’s said.

Child sweet child! Thoust has not forsaken thee! You are my shining star when will you choose to be free? Accept responsibility? Allow the rasphody to wash clean your soul sweeping you away to tomorrow’s brighter days where hope is meant to stay?

You’re screaming and kicking and fighting to be alone not recognizing your soul’s not ready to go. Where’s that twinkle in your smile that I have come to love? Don’t you know all this time I’ve been watching from above? You thought you were alone in your struggles. Too lonely to bother to care. But I made sure you’d have plenty of those who knew how to care.

I gave you a younger sister to hug you when you’re sad. I blessed you with two children who think you’re nicest when you’re glad. I gave you a mother and father to lift you up when you’re down’. I even made sure you’d have friends for when your family’s not around.

But you have become weak child! I did NOT make you this way! You alone must fight the sadness to live the light someday. You’re a gifted song writer! Convincing artist on the loose. You have many hidden talents ready for you to choose!

But you have allowed yourself to become that which you dread! Now just a shell of a woman barely living ‘til she’s dead.

I made all the angels sit with me while we prayed you’ll be all right. Then I commanded Rikka to pick up her pen and told her what to write. Can you believe she argued with me? With ME! Is she insane? I told her of your struggle and she called it out by name.

Depression, anxiety do not let them call on me! They are welcomed here no more! For I chose not too long ago life was more than they could know.

I am meant for joy as so are you. We my friend are meant to shine the way dieing stars do. I believe to live our life turning a blind eye to live our life deaf to hope we’d be surely living a lie. And with each stroke of my pen as it glides across this page comes fro the heart words to ffree you from your cage.

Have hope Heather! Do not dismay for though right now you’re heart’s confused bright tomorrows await! Don’t lie your head down in shame no one will pity you. For you are brilliant with so much left to do. Face yourself in your rage as a young little girl. Was she not ready to conquer the world?

September 9, 2009

Oh of what wonders does my heart sing! Ask and I shall receive? Blessed 10,000 times inside myself I chose to stay forgot my faith amongst words I no longer say.

Today is because I am.

Charming, witty, fun. Spirited, gifted, adored, talented, beautiful and strong. Brave, I will back down no more. My palms raised to the heavean’s I sing my song of praise. The universe answered today I live these days.




September 12, 2009

These days shine on in spite of the melancholy her weary heart feels. She has left hope alone in hopes her hurt heals. I tell her not to run away, to have faith write and pray. She silences her voice beneath her scream. I have deep concern she won’t allow her soul to dream. So long has she had this vision of what and who she was. I tell her not to slip away have faith just because. All along in her heart deep within her soul, she’s known for so many years she’d have to let it go.

A wise woman once told her, “people like you and me should be alone.” She spoke to her heart of endless creativity. “We flourish in the silence of our home, otherwise afraid to speak out.” She explained that when alone, our playful soul has a chance to come out.

There have been so many tears, so many trials and tribulations! Why continue down this path having lost your personal convictions? When did you become embittered? So desperate in your sadness? When did you lose your hope and choose to embrace this sadness? I tell her I remember when she used to sing out loud in public places, of how it was NOT so long ago she sought to bring a smile to so many faces.

There was hope behind pale blue eyes as she cried to me, “I had become embittered when my prince chose not me.” I tell her, her woes are not of the unusual kind. That in her kindness she gave herself and then let go of her mind. She decided then that day that she had to let go. She realized in her heart she had no where left to go. She’d experienced so much pain, cried so many tears. I asked, “Why did you choose to hide from destiny all these years?” I begged of her this time stay true let life run it’s course. Explaining that only in her peace, would heaven find it’s source.

“You ARE but a messenger! Don’t sweat the small stuff! All you must do is write stop pretending to be so tough! You alone can change your heart and bring back joy for good. Expect the things you want in life, you are good so you should.”

She bowed her head as though in prayer and whispered below her breath. “Lord thank you for these days come, I will embrace hopelessness’ death. All these years of sadness, I push them away. For in my soul I always have know peace would come to stay. And Lord please grace me with thy absolution for who I had once been. I choose to today to walk away from the loneliness within. I will fill my heart with thy grace, accept thy serenity. For I know in my heart of hearts it’s you who’ll set me free.” And then she wept the burden of so many tears un-cried. And there that night on her bedroom floor, her embittered soul died.

She woke the next day reborn, joyous in her hope. She knew from that day forward through God’s faith in her she could cope. She found strength in her adversity. She chose to strive for more. She had known all along, and today she was finally sure.

One love,
Self



Freedom Zen







September 19, 2009

So here it ends where once upon a lover’s dream it began and their soul’s drift away. In yesteryear’s memory she hears her heart crying for want of her lover to stay, but knows in her third eye this is the only way. The trials and tribulations brought on by outside forces have forced our two lovers apart. And though they may not know of that ancient sunset’s glow two young lover’s had sealed eternity’s pact they will certainly grow from their experience as they move forward not looking back. In tomorrow’s wisdom reverie she is confident this will make sense. Though tonight in her sadness she feels overwhelmed in loneliness she knows tomorrow brings peace.

For so long she’s held on to him pulling and pushing away from her. For so long she’s run to him when the doubts began to stir. Life will come and days will go and she knows in her soul he’ll be missed. For it wasn’t all that long ago when her love began with a kiss. Lying on a comfy bed with an ache in her soul he’d leaned into her and asked if she’d roll. She turned to face his deep blue eyes and felt passion start to burn. He was then as unattainable as now but it took 12 years to learn. “Kiss me,” he’d said speaking to her desire.

“No I can not, I don’t want to start that fire.” He’d had a girlfriend who’d left him for the weekend to see an old crush. So he’d taken the opportunity to call our lover in a rush. They’d danced together in the beats of the night, they’d sat in his car by the sun’s warm light, they’d gone to a party off in their own world. They’d entertained themselves for hours at an art museum just a boy and girl. When the day was ending, she’d wanted it to not end. As they sat on the museum’s steps she’d thought of how thankful she was for her newfound friend. And now as he asked her to kiss him she felt a pulling at her heart. Knowing if she succumbed one day there would be hurt. “Don’t you have kissing friends?” he’d asked her as he pulled her to him. “No, I can’t say I do. Not anyone I’ve kissed has been just a friend.” She smelled his breath and got lost in his eyes and then she gave in. And so it is from that tender moment where it began that here today it shall end.
Twelve years of loving him, of fighting to stay in his desire. Not once would she accept his words when he said he didn’t want her. Twelve years of believing one day he’d love her too. Not once would she accept his words when he said that he’d never do. Twelve years of holding on despite his contempt of her. Not once would she accept his words when he’d said she wasn’t the one it’d never be her.

So many dreams they’d shared together, so many nights they’d laughed awake. So many times she’d been made to cry by the love his heart couldn’t make. So many years she’d prayed for him just knowing he was the one. Today I can assure you her heart breaks from dreams undone.

“It wasn’t supposed to go this way!” She pleas to the universe. “I’ve hoped and prayed and dreamed for him expressing my heart through verse.” She’d written thousands of pages certainly millions of words as over the years she’d become a woman leaving behind a wounded girl. But alas today she knew as never before she had that no matter what she did he’d not accept her for her and if she stayed she’d never be glad. So with hopeful eyes for tomorrow’s dreams not yet prayed, she packs her bags prepares to leave and walks away.

She knows she must be strong, must not succumb to doubt. For if there was any chance by now it would’ve worked out. He’d told her once a year ago he’d make her hate him. She’d not thought it possible, for he was so much more than a friend. And though in her honor, he’d not succeeded in his quest, she had finally accepted to love him from distance was best. Where once before two friends had stood hand and hand against the world now stood in their passing a wounded boy and girl.

He’d gotten what he’d wanted from her, she was hooked for life. Though many moons ago she’d given up the desire to be his wife. And it is not without question that today she makes her stand, for one can’t help but love someone and wonder at it’s end if things had gone differently would there have been a different end?