August 2009 Collective Conversations with Self

August 2, 2009

Been fun the last 3 days. Friday was Aquatica, Saturday the beach, Sunday the Y and swimming then chill relax chores are done.

Connected. Fused together in perfect synchronicity. I am free among these pages of verse.

I bare all before self that the words set forth be uncontaminated with a self righteous heart.

That my words may set another soul free from the burdens of their past!

Forgive Thyself
Forgive thyself child. Born anew into a life you’ve chosen to live from birth.

Ye exist for the humane existence!

Learn what it means to L-O-V-E.

LOVE thyself above all others.

For unto thyself be true! Yield at selfishness though.

For love is compassion not frustration and anger. Love is communication, equal and unrighteous. Love is disagreeing without judgment and understanding another’s humane point of view.

You live amongst one another in a cloud of recklessness bittered by woes too complex for even a true sentient being to grasp.

But they are self made.

Mother Earth screams out to the universe of her love for you as you rape and murder her. You think you’re insignificant enough to be the only ones? Or special enough to be the only intelligent ones?

You are neither.

You just are.

Forgive thyself for your recklessness.

For your greed and self righteousness.

But know dear human, ye exist for the humane existence.

You are not wicked with numbered days counting hopelessly to the end of your soul’s epic journey through this existence only then to be judged!

You are a soul. An energy that knows of other dimensions and times and galaxies.

A being born pure of heart unto a world which hosts and existence you chose to embrace for a lifetime. Only for one lifetime.

Come together. Come together as one in prayer and hope. Faith that together we can fix it as our precious gift to the universe.

I know we are capable. Each of us here at this moment have a gift to offer someone else.

Peace, light, love be with you on your journey through life.

One love,
Self

August 4, 2009

Life’s a comin’! full keel ahead won’t stop ‘til you’re dead it’s a comin‘. It’s a comin’ life’s a comin’

Spend a moment in your head hear what your heart’s said cause life’s comin’. It’s comin’. Life’s comin’.

I try to slow down the race forward into the abyss by my head and my heart won’t come back from this melancholy I’ve locked my soul into.

Whichever where I wander same eyes are always there staring back at the woman I portray to the outside world ever afraid to be the me my inner child dreams of I become.

My mind races in so called confusion. Afraid to act on what I know. Copasetic in my today of self inflicted woes.

Woe! Hold on there Nelly! Slow the trail ride down! You’re runnin’ and a buckin’ and there ain’t no fear around!

I am at your reigns! I am master of this plot. Listen while tell a tale of all the woes you’ve not.

I choose not to be dramatic, self absorbing of others pains. I choose to not be a victim of a twisted man’s rage. I choose to take action and act on what I know. It’s that feeling of fear that says I shouldn’t go.

But I go.

‘Cuz
Life’s comin’. Full keel ahead won’t stop until I’m dead. It’s a comin’. It’sa comin’. Life’s comin’.
(written for Wendy F. may you find the peace in the strength of your trials until you can find strength in your survival.)

August 12, 2009

Come again I am to this day.
Rejoice and be proud!
Sings a song high on praise.
Rejoice and sing aloud.

That all might know of better days
Amidst their dark nights still to come
That one more heart might know love
Amidst it’s dreams undone.

One love,
Self

August 15, 2009

I saw my doc today. My head shrink. He gave me an ADD test and I “passed” with flying colors. The only symptom I didn’t have is a need stimulate adrenaline. No, no skydiving for me!

So what if the misfiring in my head began as a coping mechanism as a child? Manifested from enduring long lectures about everything that was never wrong with me?

Had I not suffered at the hands of would be saints, I’d know not of the ways of my heart, soul, and mind.

August 17, 2009

What of the ways of my heart, soul and mind?

These truths I hold to be self evident.
1) I am kind.
2) I am wise.
3) I am enlightened.
4) I am strong.
5) I am brave.
6) I am unique.
7) I am loved.
8) I am compassionate.
9) I am patient.
10) I am understanding.

Affirmative. And as you act overcoming the fear conquered more self truths will become clear.

I know I’ve said it before but this time I do have it. I do. I don’t know where I went for so long……………. One thing after another has led me back to this moment. Again and again I have come to stand here looking out from Mount Hope calling for a rally of like minds to embrace a new tomorrow. All the while I ……………….. to speak it is to call it to be still today.

Let go. Breathe. Inhale, exhale. Allow peace to wash you clean.


August 18, 2009

OMFG! I M 1 OF THOSE PPL WHO R ALWAYZ N CHAOS!!!

Wow! And I try to stay away from people who are always in chaos!

We who point the finger………….

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What gives you the right to diminish someone’s hope of a brighter tomorrow? Instinctively placing you and your societies and beliefs into the life of another questioning all they have ever been?

Who do you think you are? To abandon hope and forsake the teachings of one so pure and simplify the message to aide in begotten greeds? (intentionally misspelled! Greeds)

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When did you come to be? Where’s the woman I was falling in love with striving to be all she had ever dreamed of being?

Cancel. Cancel. Breathe.

Start fresh without battering yourself badgering yourself diminishing your credibility unto self. If you act as your own worst enemy how can you excel forward? To what goal do you stride so hesitantly? What reality are you calling to be?

Think of the rice story. About the Japs concentrated and focused on one batch of rice and thought good thoughts and on the other they focused negative energy and of how different they were at the end of the experiment. The rice had manifested the energy of the thoughts being projected towards it.

Think of the water molecules. Of how the Japs (maybe the same group of scientists?) meditated with water molecules and did the same thing. The batch with positive energy was comprised of beautiful intricate and complicated shapes formed by the water. The batch with the negative energy became misshapen, broken, and unappealing to look at.

I choose not to live like that anymore. It is by choice I choose to live and I choose by choice to live by free will. I am bigger than their inequities. Fuck the would be saints. I am blessed to have encountered their grief. For it is in reflection I have come to embrace the better parts of me.

August 19, 2009

T.D. Jakes Redirect Yourself revisited. A true attempt was made at the wrong time in my previous life to completely absorb his wisdom to my strife. Now the time is right.

For I am as committed to this change as I am to my good name. I can not, will not continue down the path where obstacles look the same.

August 20, 2009

Life has an interesting way of making it’s point. Today was a fantastic day full of hope for rekindling friendships, bonding with old alliances and making solid contacts. My time was not wasted. Everything turning out to be ok. I’m glad I ventured outside of my nightmare of the last year locked away in small town USA.

Better and better everyday. Not only are my thoughts more focused but my attitude has significantly improved. I must mention a happening of yesterday. I called Unity to tithe for the first time in my life 20% of what I had in my pocket. In spite of my positive attitude amongst these pages there has been financial duress in my life for over a year.

I confess, it was difficult to let go of any amount of money! Every little bit could mean the difference between getting around, having food, or keeping the lights on. But how long did I live like that, and still never having enough? I always expected to have what I need to get by, well, I’m over just getting by at the last minute. Time to try something new.

So, within about a ½ hour of making the call that I was going to come by before 4pm (therefore committing myself to do it so I wouldn’t spend it) I received a call from a guy who owns a large construction company in a nearby city. He asked me about a list I am composing of local contractors and construction workers who are struggling to stay afloat with the economy. I had contacted him over two weeks prior and figured I wouldn’t hear from him. I had been trying to do business with him for about 2 years.

He wanted to know what my motivation was for compiling the list. I explained that I have been seeing small business owners drop benefits and lay off employees who then can’t afford benefits on their own because there just hasn’t been enough work. I told him my motivation was that if I could put my contacts in touch with one another and they could bid on jobs together, boost one another’s morale, and offer words of wisdom to help each other then perhaps I could help save their business. I told him that for the little bit of time it would take for me to compile the list it was worth it because perhaps a few years down the road when their business was back on track they’d remember how I helped them and think of me for their insurance needs.

He remembered who I was and was excited to speak to me again. He explained that he and his wife and four other close family friends had decided to open a performing arts center in the area and he also opened a lighting company. He invited me out in two weeks to have lunch and tour his new businesses.

I was so excited that I called a friend who I haven’t seen in a while in his area and told her that I’d be coming into the city to have lunch with him. To my amazement she knows him personally (for 15 years) and invited me to a chamber function for their chamber tomorrow evening. Then she asked me to do a health quote for her and a quote on two cars!

So I get off the phone with her, call him and leave a message about being in the area tomorrow and could we please meet then instead of in two weeks. He called me back today to say that was fine and we ended up chatting for an hour about ethics, religion, helping one another, the economy, and his children’s talents. I am confident that we are like minded in our goals to help people and through that commonality I will attain the opportunity (and blessing) to assist him with his benefits package as a whole.

I am still stunned that this happening came within a ½ hour of me calling Unity to tithe for the first time in my life! I raced to Unity, getting there as Miss A was locking the door (3:57) to give her my tithe. I told her that if my day had been any indication of the Universe assisting me in achieving my new found desire to be wealthy and prosperous then she could look forward to my tithe becoming larger and larger as my prosperity grew.

It’s refreshing to see hope reborn in an instant, manifest from something I’ve never accepted as necessary that I finally decided to agree to.

If what we’re doing isn’t working, why keep doing it? I’ve been told and read books about the importance of tithing and scoffed at it. When I don’t have enough money to eat I certainly DO NOT want to GIVE IT AWAY! But, alas, to continue down the road of selfishness would be to not accept with graciousness the humbling my soul has experienced this past year. How can we move forward if we can’t let go of yesterday’s thought patterns?

August 20, 2009

Today was disappointing. My daughter will need to start going to a different day care, as a direct result of my lack of income for the last year. I struggled to keep her there because she had friends and it was a good quality school. There are other alternatives, and they certainly are affordable, but they are settling.

I know I’m supposed to stay positive and be focused on where I’m headed but it’s not always as easy as that. For so long finances have been an issue and I’ve got the skills to fix that. It’s just that my head wasn’t in the game until the last minute and just now my situation is beginning to improve. A day late and a dollar short.

But at the end of every beginning is a new beginning and I believe this is a blessing in disguise. I have to, to get me through it. I’m a good person and deserve the success I dream of for myself and my family. I know it’s to be had. But how? Am I not trying everything I can to make things happen in my career? Well, I hadn’t been. And if I had perhaps they’d have gone differently. But there’s no point in looking back with regret as long as I’m ready to keep moving forward in better days and faith that all is truly all right.

Lonely

Lonely she sits isolated in her misery. One day she's on fire with passion then hateful words cut off her desire and leave her burning with loneliness. She prays for sanctification of her soul and the heavens do not offer an answer readily. She prayed for this. She left behind a life of unknowns for what she dreamed was a manifestation of her heart's truest desire. Today she has accepted the inevitability of the impending loss. She knows without a doubt that the fight isn't worth the tears she's cried year after year suffering in a loss too great for her soul to consider. True love never dies her father once told her as she cried to him on the phone long ago of a love lost and gone. How many loves have come and gone since that wisdom came into her knowing? How many forgotten prayers had she wept for in her years? Wondering in her pain if the senselessness of the loss would subside to brighter days? Knowing tomorrow would bring hope renewed but too tired to bother she allows herself to stay locked in melancholy until a resolution presents itself.

“I’m outta here first chance I get!” she consoles herself with words of confidence lacking the ability to make immediate changes believing one day soon she would have the power to re-empower herself. Recharge her life. She longs to look in the mirror and see a happy soul gazing back at her, proud of all she had accomplished on her own, without anyone else feeling they should be accredited for her successes. She deserves that she says to herself day after day to prevent her hope from wasting away while the anger rages on in a heart beaten clean of hope and having never quite grasped the concept of faith.

Lonely she sits absorbed in her visions of what wonders tomorrow holds in spite of the depths of her despair had this day. She knows of splendors to be had for the faithful who follow their heart’s desires and of the joys for memories made though love may fade. She is entranced in her words and uses her pen as a release from the burdens her heart isn’t ready to release knowing the time comes fast for that one day when she will be all alone and finally be safe.
One love,
Self

August 22, 2009

Why do I always seem to go about things the long way?

Because you are the perfect storm.

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August 22, 2009

Of what wonders my heart does dream, but all alone? Alone it seems. Though yield at your perception. At the inception of this love quest had there was a goal, a dream I had. To take a vow of celibacy I knew then I would then find me. I made an attempt and caved to his will knowing then I’d need it still. That’s not to say all alone as some would say then “don’t come home“. It is here in this home we’ve made that I wish I could learn to be calm and safe. But it’s not possible here.

Over the years the ache’s been great and I’ve cried the tears of the great Salt Lakes. Just when I had it, it swept away and left me dieing 10,000 days. I have given up and seek back to me. I wish to once again find the me that’s free. Free of woes not my own, free of anger in my home, free of perceptions that hinder me, free of a sadness that none can see. I seek to find peace and land back at me. A vision of hope I call to thee.

Lord lift me up that I know peace. May I know serenity, may I know peace. Let me find a place my thoughts can rest ‘cuz I’m losing my ground in this loneliness. Side by side I’ve called to him again and again I’ve called to him. He does not come and if does not stays. For each time we’re close we pull away. His struggles are not mine nor mine his so who says we have to go on like this?

Best friends we vowed and committed we are. But our happiness bears a jagged scar. For through our struggles we’ve distanced ourselves from the one who made all okay when it came undone. For rare occasion we speak the same but those days are fewer and farther between.

It is my prayer, my falling star wish dear Lord that I remove myself from true love’s sword. That’s not to say my feelings will die but as my confidence grows the ache will subside. I must learn to find myself amidst a lifetime full of loneliness.


Loneliness

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I deserve better from myself than to be wallowing in misery suffering in a loss that should never have been in the first place. My pig headedness has landed me here feeling bemused and bewildered with yesterday. But Amen! I feel grateful and gracious and forgiving of my trespasses for while I may be my own worst enemy in the end it comes back to me and at my heart’s core I am she.

Sweet and innocence a flower she prayed for peace at her darkest hour. The good Lord came to kneel next to her, she heard the wings of angles flurry. “Child I am with thee beside this bed. I lift ye up reside in thy head. So that when thoust comest to me I am already residing in thee. Please accept this peace as my hug and in your sadness, meditation your drug. For you must know how to come to me for in thy darkest hour I can not save thee.”

August 24, 2009

Anger and frustration come quick to some bittered, bare of hope. I try to rationalize with them but are my words in vain? Who am I to change their path bring them back to peace of mind?

A messenger? A poet? A philosopher? Is this gift I’ve run so quick from some part of a bigger plan?

I am more than I am. So proud to be who I am. Ready. I’m ready finally.

Hmm. Scoffs at me. Hesitant to believe in me.

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO WE?

Because so many people see what you will not see. I see! No. Consistency is the key.

Follow through on something child. Allow yourself daily room to breathe. Appreciate yourself.

Appreciate yourself as the temple of the essence of all that is pure in LOVE divine.

Manifest your heart’s truest desire step into the fire holding your shoulders high and proud.

Speak loud. Not just in voice either. Utilize your verse to reach the massed muddled in their confusing contradicting what it means to be human.

What it means to be human?

To breathe breath of sunshine and salt. To walk so close to death itself. To feel sandy toes while licking rain. To know the touch of love true. To question the fundamentals of who you are as a society. One world amongst many spinning in a cocoon tucked deep into safe space.

Protected. Left alone as a destination on your soul’s journey home. On every soul’s eternity quest to be LOVE divine.

LOVE divine?

To thine ownself be true. Follow your hearts desire through your heart. Speak daily of the gratitude you exhume and be thankful for who you are. One among many born of a fallen star.

Religion is for those not yet prepared to believe in themselves.

Rethink your life. Achieve happiness abundant in wealth and prosperity. Blessed as you are in LOVE divine.


August 25, 2009

A moment to spare in serenity. Say silent prayers for those who’ve angered me. Meditate on the demoness who resides in me. Find voice in verse set my soul free. Her hand gently grazed bare metal. Warm and wet from summer’s rain. The air was freshly moist, damp to the skin. Gently a breeze blew across the water caressing her sensuality as she exited to another beginning. Confident, capable, committed.

She moved tall, graceful proud. Shoulders intentionally held high, chin up.

Others need to not know of her momentary mental meltdowns. Temporary lapses of sanity where her mind wants to be a wall flower, safe from disappointed sheltered from rejection.

To never venture is to never gain. It’ll stay the same day after day if I keep choosing that way. So what do I do when confronted with opposition? Passive / aggressive blows me away! Then learn to be assertive and let it stay.

Speak strongly. Vocalize your intentions so you do not feel abandoned when others mistakenly take your kindness for weakness you are stronger than this.

You are as strong as this.

Don’t back down from the loneliness. Isolating yourself in failure perceived grieving for yesterdays answered prayer. Allow your mind to move away from there.

Settle into quiet reflection counting your blessings one by one. It has all along been choices you have made.

Be free now you are not yesterday’s slave.

You are not a wall flower but a standing flower.

Unique in your gifts beauty and kindness. Appreciative of your countless joys.

I am abundant in prosperity. A faithful heart holds fear at bay. I am come again and here to stay.

One love,
Self

Met with Miss A today of Unity. She told me to think about me. Not to push away the demoness resides in me. But pray for her that we be free. Embracing all of me. That we become I become I am me.

August 28, 2009

Happy. A two edged serrated sword. A world ready to flee a glimpses first smile. Happy in denile. Been awhile since I sat and stared at me. Angry too long longing to be free.

Perhaps pride’s price is impossible to grasp! “I quit! AM TIRED! AM SICK!” I gasp.

Overwhelmed in someone else’s ideals of who I am not? Discouraging me with lack of faith unknowing of the many battles I’ve fought?

I am resilient. Able to withstand tyranny and see past another’s doubts in me. I know that because I’m human I struggle with a big heart. Desiring other’s approval of myself.

Ha! And where has THAT gotten you? Huh?

Beaten down dragged down slung through the muddy waters of tears only I know I cry.

Why bother?

Because in spite of another’s perception at the core of we I have always been I.

August 30, 2009

Stuffy! Ack! Sick I am. Yet still I keep going . . . Like the frigging energize bunny. Uh huh. I cleaned today and cleaned and cleaned. Still there’s several days worth of cleaning left. Gotta finish dusting, hadn’t made even the smallest dent in the laundry, must clean out the foyer, and mow the jungle outback. Geeze! This year has been so rainy that grass is up to my knees within 2 weeks.

Oh I wish I could breathe through my nose. I suppose between the stirred up dust and freshly cut grass I’ll be suffering for the next couple of days. OH NO! Maybe it’s swine flu! LOL J

Things in general have been good. Looking in the right direction with hope and appreciation for my struggle along the way. Always I have know that things one day would be okay, thank God I realized that things are okay today. I have committed myself to tithing. Difficult as it is to part with just 10% but truly I understand the need to give especially when one can not afford to give. To do so with faith is sanctified and will be rewarded not in death but in life.

I expect greatness from myself. I am. A friend recently told me to sit tall and proud and know with confidence that I am eccentric, spiritual, honest, and fun spirited. She went on to say that I am beautiful and should smile more. Hmm. Smile more?

I feel so serious all the time but my heart is happy, hopeful, optimistic. I am a mystic. An old soul wise and therefore frustrated by the previous me that had nearly consumed she. Into the darkness of the night I fell, locked myself away and there chose to dwell. The tears I cried hidden even to me were too great a burden for a child to see. Thank goodness forgiveness has set me free.

I am not without condemnation for those would be saints who sought to mastermind my destruction before I even ever had my footing planted on solid ground. I was tutored on how to self destruct, told all the things I would be but never was. I was uprooted time and time again but today have been fortunate to find old friends. Technology!

I suppose they remember me for many reasons though. I am proud today of a life worthy to show. And to be so recalled by many from the past, I made an impression made of iron not glass. They tell me again and again and again they remember me ‘cuz I was so nice to them. A true friend. A person worth through life remembering.

August 31, 2009

Pushing. She just keeps pushing herself to the brink! Emotional exhaustion teetering between existances. She’s so unwilling to embrace her blessings live her gifts know her truths!

I am she standing a top Mount Hope delivered unto myself naked before my third eye. She is I.

I am she standing a top Mount Hope deliverance unto myself naked before my third eye. She is I.

Knowing I am capable confident I am. Moving forward allowing prosperity to wash over me joyously reborn from the ashes of self loathing.

I am one.