June 2009 Collective Conversations with Self

June 5, 2009

Dear Journal,

I don’t feel as though tonight I need the purpose stated for why I’m keeping text here amongst your pages. I am reflective more upon these days quick to flip my lid, trip on bullshit snap off a piece of my hatred pie. For so long I let me die.

No. Forget that. Fu*k that erase those days! I had to live through the angry hands to live for better days.

Of all the things I’ve learned these years tonight the one for which I give praise is that when I hit my knees the universe comes into save my soul finding me just in time. That if I relax and breathe it’ll all come in it’s time and thus allow my heart to heal. Forgiveness frees my mind. I thank God once again for grace that saved a soul so torn. For forgiveness relief from unspoken things weights proud shoulders down.

I am NOT the savior come for a world in despair! I am NOT on a mountain top ready to halt stormy skies. All things come your humanity is done and will be the destroying of your Mother Earth. Praying expectantly that your God above fix that which you broke. Now my children, look no further more.




Crash!



June 7, 2009

Transcendental Homicide
Transcendental homicide
Rikka let me die inside
Closed her heart soul and mind
Chose instead to run and hide
Rikka let me die inside
Transcendental homicide

Let my mouth bare witness to my soul. Filthy tongue beguiles my soul makes me seem lost un-whole. Dreams and goals, goals and dreams those things are here for me to take. Hope forsakes me because I lost my dream and all that was silenced my voice beneath a scream. Forgot myself lost amidst a lifetime full of loneliness.

Transcendental homicide
Rikka let me die inside
Closed her heart soul and mind
Chose instead to run and hide
Rikka let me die inside
Transcendental homicide




June 8, 2009

All the optimism hope and prayer
Can not save me from my sabotager
She lives in me breathes in me
Breaks me down for all to see

All the tears held back nor cried in pain
Can save me from her soul slain
She seeks me out to breathe me in
I am good she is sin

My demonness resides in me
Breaking me down burying me
I cry out she comes for me
My demoness resides in me

Splintering psyche.



The Tree of Life



June 9, 2009


When you’ve no where else to turn
Turn to me in prayer
I will be waiting, I will be there

When you’ve no where else to go
When your world comes crashing down
Come to me run to me I’ll wait for thee
Together we’ll work it out.

You must stand as tall as a mountain
As strong as the wind seeking silent meditation
Letting the universe flow in

I place my hands to the heavens
“I’m ready give me more”
The universe answers,
“You always were so sure . . .”



June 10, 2009

It’ll all happen in due time pay ye no mind to the stresses of the way.
Pray, have faith, learn to wait.

I don’t want to lose my house. I have been blessed not to lose it so far. I’m certain things will end up exactly as they’re supposed in just the nick of time. Faith? What’s that about? The “have faith part”? The waiting / patience part? My patience wears thin!

Aye! Alas Las but I hear thee!
You barely slow down to breath.
How can you running full speed to nothing know where you’ll end up?
Just do it! If all else has failed what have you to loose?



Just Breathe

June 15, 2009

Don’t Quit
Don’t quit when the tide is swelling
And your courage takes halt
Don’t quit when the storm is coming
And your vessel’s under assault
Don’t quit when the waves start crashing
And your eyes can’t behold land
Don’t quit when your nerves are breaking
Simply reach out for my hand

For the end is near, have no fear
Faith your only recourse.
For when the end appears near there should be no fear
Faith your only course.

Don’t quit when lightening strikes
Scorching trees and burning shrubs
Don’t quit when the thunder breaks
Pray just because
Don’t quit when life’s at it’s worst
For the end is oh so near!
Don’t quit when your heart’s about to burst
For you mustn’t cave to fear



June 16, 2009

Faith. Faith saved my life. Faith that all will be right and we are meant for more. Disappointing is the ways of humanity today. Turning a bind eye to our inequities disguised by democracy’s hypocritical crusade.

Is there no hope for us? What of the happily ever afters of yester years fairy tales? Is it okay to beg for me when all is so dismal here?

The human existence pitters on towards tomorrows unknown stranded still on yesterday’s fears.

The Lord Christ will not come again to save us from our apathy, legarthy, greedy selfishness, and over blown egos. He does not shed his blood for tears repeatedly wept for forgiven condemned sins.

We are alone in our pathetic existence save for ourselves and each other. Unite, stand firm in what you know!

God is love. Patient and kind but unable to turn back the hands of our time here.

June 22, 2009

Think I say! There is no governor on your mind don’t be so weak, speak your mind!

Eloquent, intellectual, studied on the issues at hand in our land. Educate them because the sheep flock to the angry ways of greed. Waiting, patiently waiting for the return of their faith’s seed. Lying in wait praying against fate un-believed in me? Me to whom their children swear for to damn their friends, curse their cars, provide their ends, and stop their wars?

Angry, tired, sickened I am of these savage fools. They play to the word, the world, and one another as though everyone’s a tool.
June 23, 2009

What gives of the give and take hope forsaketh thee? You’ve forgotten the grapes of wrath as handed down my me!

I AM LOVE!

Through love have conquered thy darkest depths through love have made thee sore. Yet still when thoust prayest to me thy soul remains sore?

I understandeth not thy hopelessness thoust refusal to expect good. Forget thy governors on thoust mind when you do good expect good, you should.

But my Lord you argue me of better days to come . . .

Stop. Silence. Be done.
You hear me not in your busy mind confusion has set in. Those better days are here today, you have only to let them begin.

Ask and you shall receive, seek and you will find . . .


Sunset Blues

June 24, 2009

To aspire to be the best me I can be. That’s my driving force for good. For my son and daughters memory smile. So distant a past is prevalent today in my little sunray.

Today is the day I have made. On the brink of life (yet again) with my feet planted firmly on faith that I can fly. Soar.

I hear her call out to me. Inner child speaks to my subconscious beckoning me to embrace her. Allow my heart to live free of yesterdays gone.

Peaceful, watching, guarding. Prepared to dance one more she waits. Have faith she whispers. It’s okay to smile she laughs. When DID you become so serious! Taunting me to relinquish control that we two might live harmoniously.

I watch as she glides by in pink ballet slippers. She is a tree in that summer show of talents. A star she was! Proud to learn and teach. That summer as a tree, I embraced the little dancer in me.

There is so much good out here! One by one we help one another tracking each other down through unnamed good deeds.

There is so much hope for us! One by one unite through love. Our maker waits for us.

When will we embrace hope? When will we remember to smile more? Faith based reality where our aspirations have manifest become utopian society.

Truly, if we all lived as the innocent flower. As beautiful unto ourselves seeking to be self sustaining and proud.

This is my meditation.

This is my song.


Flower


June 29, 2009

Dreamer
They call me a dreamer
My head’s in the clouds
It seems no matter where I wander
Dreamin’ ain’t allowed
I can taste the atmosphere
As my heart ship takes to flight
Lest I forget all my dreams
When they say dreamin’ ain’t all right
Whilst I not to fall away
I plant my feet on my faith
That dreamin’s all I got
And in my dreams my heart is safe

I know tomorrow comes with peace and for this peace I pray.
Lost inside a racing mind my words will find a way.
I know today is the day I have made and for today I’m proud.
For I conquered all their darkness where dreamin’ ain’t allowed.

©©©©©©





June 29, 2009

I am on the brink of something extra ordinary here. Yet again the universe has heard my heart’s desire and raced in to offer comfort, solace. The repetition of my life cycle nearly makes me laugh. Time and time yet again, it’s the same opportunity, but better.

As I learn to overcome despair faster these life changing opportunities come quicker. I do not block my heart to hope nor close my mind on the possibilities.

There are so many opportunities before me. I am abound in the multitude of choices I have. The only question that remains is where do I want to land.

June 30, 2009

The last three days passed once again in a blur. Seems as though to distance myself from the pain of losing a brother of fate I force my mind into a whirl wind of activity.

I fear if I remain here I will grow old and bitter. Melancholy, lethargic, and apathetic to the woes of my soul suffering to breathe of my voice screaming to be heard.

This is my day to shine on in spite of my disappointment come of decisions made. There is hope past this darkness. I see the light of tomorrow caressing the horizons of today.

I stand strong in the face of my adversaries and laugh, “Oh how you don’t know me!” For to truly know the heart of someone one must love in their own self. Must believe in their own goodness.

How many times in how many ways hath I been judged by those speaking to care? Lies!

It is my mastery of fortitude, patience, and perseverance that so intimidates.

Anger rages in a voice beaten clean of hope, strength, and love. Self righteousness echoes in my heart, resounding through forgotten corridors of yester years suffering.

Had I not suffered at the hands of would be saints I’d know not of the ways of my heart.

For it is in the silent embrace of reflection that one knows, understands, and accepts oneself including liabilities and learning to work within parameters.

Judge not lest ye be judged. When was the last time you judged yourself openly, honestly, and by those standards you adhere others to?

Love thine neighbor as thineself. For there but by the grace of God go we. When was the last time you went above and beyond to offer a hand to a stranger without fear their malady would infect you and without self righteous judgment of an expectant heart?

Are you as you say you are? Preaching to others of their inequities readily spinning off at the cuff into delusional anger bitter unto those who love you the most?

Running. You’re running in your anger full speed ahead into despair.

I can see it so clearly which is why I must escape from here. Before I too am old and cold and bitter and afraid to take risks.

One love,
Self